Josh & Jenny in Dallas

Forgiving the Reformation

2012-01-14T12:23:00.003-06:00

A lot of people seem to think that seminary is where you get all the answers. They're wrong. Well, either that or I just don't go to one of "those" seminaries. My experience has been that instead of receiving answers to my questions, I've been stripped of many of the answers I thought I had and been given more questions in return. Now I don't say this to complain; I happen to think that's the way it should be. But that doesn't mean every day is a party either.

One of the ways I've been challenged in seminary was the place of tradition in my theology. Specifically it was the realization that not only am I unable to read the Bible objectively, but it's not the sort of thing one would want to do if he could. I had to learn that there is a set of boundaries to the way I must interpret Scripture in order to stay Christian in my understanding.

Furthermore, my reasoning is fallen and I need the community of faith across time and space to help me understand what is true, to make sure that I'm really hearing the Holy Spirit and not just what I want to hear. Because let's face it: heretics are biblical, too. And they must have strong convictions otherwise they would accept correction and, you know, not be heretics.

This is a troubling perspective for some. In fact, I've been told by more than one professor that I deeply respect that we must not read the creeds into Scripture, and that doing so is one of the most dangerous trends happening on campus. Of course, these professors have their specialties outside of theological studies, so that's no doubt a contributing factor. (I think they generally have some combination of too much trust in reason and too much distrust in tradition, but this is an argument for another time.)

All this to say that I was challenged in an appropriate way with the truth, but I over-corrected. I have always been pretty teachable, but that becomes a liability when coupled with an implicit trust of your instructor. His goal was probably that I critically incorporate this new material, but instead I uncritically embraced what stood out to me.

Long story short, I eventually came to a place where I saw the Reformation as a bad thing. Indeed, there were many casualties that often get overlooked, such as the broken unity of the church and a highly emphasized individualism in religion and salvation. (I think we're generally starting to see these issues more clearly these days.) But I began to see it as the unseating of tradition as authoritative. I saw it as the next step to the Enlightenment emphasis on reason over all things, because what else do you have to interpret the Bible once you walk away from traditional church authority?

These convictions soon put me in a dark place. I no longer trusted my own interpretation of the Bible, and I had a mountain of literature to consume in order to try and find the truth. It was an impossible burden for anyone, but especially someone with a job, a family, and graduate work to juggle. So rather than add a healthy balance to my views, I ended up feeling totally disconnected from Scripture in the way a historian might experience Lessing's Ditch with the past, or a philosopher might be walled off from the Kantian noumenous. Add this to the many other perceptions being challenged, and my faith began to starve.

Thankfully the story doesn't end there. As time goes on, I have been able to reassess some of these issues and synthesize that balanced position I was supposed to achieve in the first place.

Today I'm forgiving the Reformation.

I finally see what should have been obvious from the start: the Reformation did not rebel against the authority of the church, but it recognized that the church in that time and place did not have the kind of authority it was claiming. It rediscovered that ultimate authority is in the Word of God. It didn't seek to throw out all tradition (although that undoubtedly became the focus in some corners) only those that stood opposed to the Bible.

I still have a lot of tweaking to do to my understanding, but then I can't expect the process to be perfect, can I? I still have much to learn, and what I believe now raises a host of new questions. (Questions that I know I've covered in classes before but wasn't able to deal with them because the root issue was still unresolved.) But they're a heck of a lot easier to tackle now that I have my Bible back.

Once I get a bit more settled I'll offer an explanation and defense of my views on my new blog Time-Lapse Theology, which is poised to be my theological playground from here on out. But stay tuned to "Josh & Jenny in Dallas" for continued glimpses of our personal journey.

Critiquing Critiques of Critcism

2011-12-30T15:20:00.004-06:00

Hello! Yes, faithful imaginary reader, I am still alive. Since my last post, my offspring was born. It goes without saying that I am now excused from any and all non-child-related obligations. She turned 12 weeks old the day I started typing this. =)

That being said, I do still plan on writing, and I have a topic I've wanted to address for a while. A particularly good excuse came recently in the form of my friend Lisa's blog about worship music criticism. When I saw this post, I was giddy. I was so excited, I came off a tad militant. Okay, I came off like a psycho.

And who could blame me?

I remember the first time I criticized worship music. It was in kindergarten. We would sing this song where half the class would jump up and sing "praise ye the Lord," then as they sat back down the other half would jump up and sing "hallelujah!" It was so shallow and repetitive, and as I recall we sang it all the time.

Fast-forward to the new millennium. I was a late-bloomer in terms of modern music, but I had embraced CCM (or "Contemporary Christian Music," for the uninitiated) when I first heard Jesus Freak as a 12 year old. I'd amassed quite a collection of dc Talk, Jars of Clay, Caedmon's Call, Third Day, Newsboys, Audio Adrenaline, and Five Iron Frenzy among many others. But now everyone was putting out worship albums and this made me really uncomfortable. How does one sell worship? What makes "worship music" different from "regular" CCM? On the former issue, I decided this was bandwagon profiteering; on the latter, it seemed pretty clear that worship music was simpler and more emotional.

Verdict delivered.

And with that, I all but walked away from CCM. Now a decade later, all I listen to is secular music, and even though I play on a couple worship teams regularly, I still think it's some of the most artless music being made. And that bugs the crap out of me.

This is the point where I would normally lay out my evidence and try to bring you to the dark side. But instead I'd like to relate another experience that happened to me over Thanksgiving vacation.

My mom is a Pride & Prejudice fanatic (BBC version only, of course) and I'm not ashamed to admit that I love it, too. We watched the whole thing at least twice over Thanksgiving, and one scene struck me like never before, even though I knew it well. Darcy and Bingley are commenting on a party they went to the night before. Bingley was his usual, agreeable self, while Darcy was quite the opposite. And the exchange went something like this, "You know Darcy, I'll never understand why you're so determined to find fault with everything." Darcy replies, "And I shall never understand why you're so quick to approve of everything."

One of the more life-changing discoveries of my time in seminary is that there exists a field called philosophy of science, and how raw data doesn't prove anything and may be interpreted differently under different paradigms. And here it was before me: Darcy and Bingley saw all the same things, but they had already decided before they arrived what data they would privilege above the rest to validate their theories.

I am a critic. I always have been, and I think it is a gift from God. But this doesn't mean I have to be a jerk, or that criticism has to define me. There are times when you have to turn off the switch. There are times when you need a Darcy in the room, and plenty of others when you don't.

Afterward, we were making the 18-hour drive home... which has now stretched to 24 once you add baby feedings... and I decided I would listen to Christmas music the whole way. The verdict had been passed on Christmas music many years ago, but I could tell that my Grinch-heart had grown a few sizes. I chose to enjoy the music, chose to see its worthier aspects and filter just criticism. And darned if I wasn't happy. What's more, I learned a lot about Christmas on that drive that almost 30 years of church hadn't taught me. (I was going to blog about that on Christmas. Oh well. Maybe soon?)

I still haven't exactly reconciled with CCM. I know I need to work out a philosophy of beauty, and that part of my problem lies in a confusion between high art and folk art. I still think the Newsboys' greatest triumph was 1996's "Take Me to Your Leader," although I haven't heard their latest offering. But I'm learning that how I feel about this music is a decision I make, most likely before I even push play. And I'm convinced that there is a godly way to wear either Darcy's hat or Bingley's and maintain my integrity. And to tell you the truth, I wouldn't mind seeing through Bingley's eyes more often.

I recently heard an exchange between professors at DTS that culminated in theological studies chair Dr. Bingham observing that the Scopes Trial greatly embarrassed evangelicalism, and that many of our ranks feel that same embarrassment now when science and traditional readings of Scripture seem to conflict. Perhaps Baby Boomers struggle with this most; I'm not sure. But I'm inclined to think my generation is reacting the same way to more artistic and cultural concerns. We're quick to judge music, movies, novels, dress, etc. not because we've thought through all the issues and are imposing godly standards in godly ways, but because we're embarrassed. So we make fun of each other lest an outsider beat us to it and mistake us for being on the same team. (By the way, we are... in case you forgot.)

I think good will ultimately come out of all of this criticism flowing back and forth. I'm not here to really judge anybody. This time. Consciously. But I know my own heart, and I stand convicted of a lot today.

Reasons Young Christians Leave Church

2011-09-28T08:55:00.004-05:00

Barna posted the results of a new study on why Christians leave the church. (Check out the whole article here: http://www.barna.org/teens-next-gen-articles/528-six-reasons-young-christians-leave-church.)

Short version:

Churches seem overprotective.
Teens' and twentysomethings' experience of Christianity is shallow.
Churches come across as antagonistic to science.
Young Christians’ church experiences related to sexuality are often simplistic, judgmental.
They wrestle with the exclusive nature of Christianity.
The church feels unfriendly to those who doubt.

These are no doubt the reasons people think they are leaving the church, but I'd like to propose a few reasons I think are the real problem.

1. People don't trust the church. God commissioned the church and takes care of it, with Christ as the Good Shepherd and pastors as under-shepherds. Nevertheless, we tend to focus on the problems imperfect people bring to the way churches are run. The church is an institution of humans but NOT a human institution. I have personally struggled with this for much of my teen and adult life, and I believe that my faith in God has to translate into faith in the church as His instrument in the world today. We have to learn to trust the church despite its broken nature.

2. People don't value the church. Evangelicals value personal relationships with Christ, personal Bible study and prayer, "quiet time" (a.k.a. ALONE time), etc. and these are all good things. But I'm afraid we've over-corrected in some areas, and it's part of our legacy as the inheritors of protestant church. We're so afraid of making the church the source or intermediary of salvation that we take it out of the picture altogether. Again, God organized the church, He instituted it and works through it. To avoid church altogether is to be outside of God's will.

There are obviously legitimate complaints that warrant leaving a church... I'm not suggesting we blindly follow anyone, especially when there are so few control mechanisms left to ensure churches are properly stewarding the faith passed down from the Apostles. But I do think we've gone too far. If our own place of worship crosses that line (where that line is would be another discussion entirely) we are right to leave that church. But our faith in God demands--and I mean this as strongly as I possibly can--that we seek another church, that we continue to value and trust the institution because GOD values it and GOD has entrusted His work to it.

All that being said, here are some quick thoughts on the symptoms surfaced in Barna's study:

Churches seem overprotective. Agreed. I have no experience parenting (yet) but I have deep respect for the parents who allow their children to fail within certain safe limits. At some point--and this varies with the maturity of the child--they have to make their faith their own. They need to be exposed to risks so that they learn to make godly decisions by themselves before they leave the home.
Teens' and twentysomethings' experience of Christianity is shallow [church is boring, irrelevant, unclear]. This could be caused by any number of reasons: poor leadership, poor modeling in the congregation, bad standards in those polled. Any one of these can make or break the way church is perceived.
Churches come across as antagonistic to science. This is a hot-button for me. Science is so poorly understood on a popular level both inside and outside the church that you can't really address this statement. The problem isn't that the church is too antagonistic; it's not antagonistic enough. The church LOVES science except when science is antagonistic to the faith. The vast majority of Americans don't understand the limitations of science and default to trusting that over the church. Antagonism isn't the right response--I was being provocative. Healthy skepticism of all science should be the mode of all rational people. For Christians, I ask: why trust God for salvation but trust science for everything else?
Young Christians’ church experiences related to sexuality are often simplistic, judgmental. Churches are afraid to talk about sex and don't deal well with questions let alone struggles. Sex is one of the biggest issues in the church in post-60's America. Premarital sex, adultery, divorce, remarriage, homosexuality, self-gratification, pornography, celibacy, cohabitation, oral sex--and the list goes on and on--all need to be dealt with in the church. We need to know what we believe, teach the truth on these subjects, and deal lovingly with people who are struggling not just with temptation but feeling trapped in these sins. Not talking about it hurts the community AND the individual. (Yes, we can go too far here. But odds are you're not in any danger of that now.)
They wrestle with the exclusive nature of Christianity. I'm sorry, but this is a personal problem. The Bible is clear. Maybe churches can do a better job of helping people understand what that means and why it's so important, but the topic itself is not up for negotiation.
The church feels unfriendly to those who doubt. This is a HUGE problem, one that I am also very passionate about. We're too afraid of questions. There HAS to be a safe place for people to struggle through legitimate concerns. This is part of spiritual growth. If you haven't struggled with the truths of Christianity, I wonder if you're thinking about them enough. I don't think we should seek to doubt or reward it, but doubting is part of the human condition. And I'd venture to say that the person who struggles with doubt and overcomes it is a much stronger Christian than the one who never questions anything.

Again, I think most if not all of these problems boil down to fear and distrust. The value issue is related, but fear and distrust keeps us from addressing these issues in a godly way--both as the congregation and as the individual who leaves. We live in crazy times for the church as an institution. I only hope we take this opportunity to make our churches and our faith stronger.

Why I Hate Facebook

2011-09-21T00:06:00.002-05:00

I want to ditch Facebook. Right now. I want to leave for good and never look back. But I can't. I can't even stay off for 48 hours. Why am I so concerned about our relationship? Let me break it down:

1) Dependency. I'm a fairly undisciplined person, and Facebook is a black hole in my schedule. Any time my mind meets resistance on a project or if I'm bored for any reason, up pops Facebook.

2) Wasted life. Our lives are so short. Will all the hours I've spent on Facebook add up to anything meaningful? I've lately found to my horror that I remember almost nothing that I've done on Facebook. I know this because FB tells me things I've written in the past, and I have no recollection of them.

3) Community diminished. Facebook makes sharing data very easy, and interaction is a breeze. But I find that it has by and large replaced the better community I would have in face to face discussions. (The problem is that with friends outside of Dallas, Facebook is as good as it gets.)

4) Relationships cheapened. I've said this before, but when you share the intimate details of your life with--well, everyone--we cheapen the value of those details. They lose something special when they are broadcast rather than shared personally. It's going to be so much easier to share pictures of my daughter with everyone on Facebook, but imagine how much better it would be to invite you into my home as a guest and hand you an album.

5) Narcissism on steroids. Everyone on FB talks about themselves. That's how it works! If we all displayed some humility about our own importance (or lack thereof) there would be little to do on Facebook.

6) Permissible voyeurism. Facebook makes it easy to spy on people without their knowing it. I can satisfy my curiosity about anything you're willing to share, and it's not the knowing that bothers me but the process. I don't talk to you, I study you.

7) Lax friendship. I believe there's been some ink spilled over the years on how Facebook affects our idea of "friendship" in general. I'm not so much going there as noticing that befriending someone on FB gives me permission to be a worse friend in real life. I don't have to call you up or ask about your marriage; a simply poke will let you know you're on my mind. How lazy can a friend be before something truly valuable has been lost?

Of course everything I've written applies more or less to all social networking sites out there. I just pick on Facebook because that's my internet drug of choice. And obviously enough there are lots of benefits social networking brings to my life. It is easy, and especially capable of maintaining friendships that would otherwise be hindered by geography. I've also found it a good way to turn friends into acquaintances as we learn more about each other online. But when FB encourages bad habits and ends up replacing higher-level relational activities instead of supplementing them... I just can't take it.

I heard it said recently that online education is sub-Christian. I don't know what the context of this statement was, but I think I can guess. There's something important about being present, about interacting in person. If you can't be there to minister to someone, maybe that ministry should be undertaken by someone who can. I think the rules should be a little looser with everyday communication, but the premise remains the same. Being there is always better than trading ones and zeroes. When you can't it's perhaps the next best thing. But when you can be there--I think everyone loses when we settle for less.

Life is too short for Facebook. When I look back on my time in seminary, I know I will remember the lunches with my theology friends, discussions after class, bumping into friends on the sidewalk, and late night movie analysis. I can't say I will remember what we did on Facebook. Will you?

Seasons of Gray

2011-09-20T23:13:00.005-05:00

Note: I tend to get a little long-winded. The short version: go watch Seasons of Gray. Thanks.

I'm a film snob. What's worse, I have no problem whatsoever admitting that. I could probably stand to be more gracious, but there it is. Why treat something bad like it's good? Sure we treat people this way, but when we make art we want to praise that which is praiseworthy.

This goes double for Christian ventures. Too often we give Christian films, Christian music, Christian television, and Christian fiction a pass because "their heart was in the right place." I hate Christian media because it's almost always second-rate. We need to do better, not worse. We give our best to God. If your best isn't professional grade, that's fine. Just don't pretend it is.

All that being said, tonight I went to the theater to watch a feature film that my church produced: Seasons of Gray. This was the first time they tried anything like this. They didn't have any of the resources of Hollywood, but then they didn't pretend to. The result was not Hollywood, but nobody said it would be. And I think that's okay.

The film is said to have been made on 0.5% of the typical movie budget, and true to Watermark form, the production was great. (Shaky-cam got a little old at times, but overall not a problem.) The acting was far better than I expected. My only real complaint was the tendency to overact a bit--which would have been appropriate on a stage, just not in a close-up. The adaptation of the plot was well-constructed; both believable and compelling. (Of course, I've only seen the film once; it's hard to be sure about any of these things until you've seen it many times.) I thought the dialog and character construction could have used some work, but it's leaps and bounds past any other Christian effort I have seen. (Perhaps I haven't seen the right thing. If you have suggestions, I'm all ears.)

And here's the rub: I don't want to lift up one group of Christians by putting down others. Comparison is poisonous. But at the same time I have to say that this is the best "Christian" film I've seen to-date. I know Christians don't usually have the opportunities to make films, and when they do it usually doesn't have the support of seasoned professionals behind it. Everyone in the process is learning. But I'm pleased to say that I think this film is one step closer to making real art on the silver screen.

The one thing I was most worried about with this film was that it was written to give people the opportunity to share the Gospel with their friends. I hate the fact that we Christians feel the need to preach in everything we create. I think every creative work can be used to explain at least part of the Gospel, and I think subtlety in art is beautiful. The Bible is much more exquisitely subtle than we ever acknowledge. So my biggest fear was that the film would overdo it on the sermon and ruin the rest of the story with it.

To be honest, the movie was preacher than I would have liked. I squirmed at a couple of points. But as far as it went, I think the writers kept things under control. I didn't get the full-blown salvation invitation I've seen in other prominent Christian films, and I'm so grateful for that. I hope someday soon we'll get to the point where we're comfortable encasing the Gospel in the actions, pictures, genuine dialog, and attitudes of the characters and NOT in a character putting on his preacher hat for a spell. I mean, the story of Joseph is just that! It's the Gospel without a sermon. The Bible is full of them. Let's learn from its example.

So I feel I've left one important item in particular dangling at this point: by what standards ought we to judge "Christian" work? First of all, I don't think there should be a separate market for Christian and non-Christian works. In fact, there are a lot of Christian artists doing great work in "secular" music, film, fiction, etc., and they are an example to us all.

Nevertheless, you don't have to be a professional to create works of art and share them, and this brings me to my second point: I think you have to do your best with what God has given you and be honest about the level at which you are working. I've been writing songs for something like 13 years now, (and I know my craft should be much better given so much time), and I'm really proud of some of them. It would be a dream come true to be able to write professionally. But I don't claim to be a professional writer! I don't have a church or record company underwriting my work. So I hope that what I do will be judged for what it is: amateur, folk-level songwriting.

And finally, once we have established the standards, we need to be honest about them. We of course need to encourage artists, but we also have to be honest with them. If Seasons of Gray had been depicted as a Hollywood-level film, I would be disappointed. This is not professional-grade cinema, and to pretend it is would I think be dishonoring to Christ. But when a local church puts together a film by the sweat of volunteers, I think the standards should be different. If a Jr. High group makes a movie, I would adjust my expectations and encouragement accordingly.

All this is to say that I was pleasantly surprised by Seasons of Gray, and I would encourage everyone in the Dallas area to go see it. Perhaps if it continues to grow in popularity it will make it to a town near you. If you're expecting Hollywood, we're getting warmer, but it's not there yet. But if you take it for what it is, I think it's really impressive. I look forward to future films building on what Watermark has accomplished with Seasons of Gray.

Original Song Lyrics: If You Can't See Me

2011-08-16T23:34:00.001-05:00

Written: May 2010

If you’re driving down the road

At 3 AM, looks like the end

If you’re driving all alone

With your fears

If you just want to let go

Remember all the times I stayed

And every game I never played

Through all your tears

Chorus:

If you can’t see me

Hold on tight and I’ll be there

It’s alright

I’m on my way

If you’re stuck awake in bed

At 4 AM without a friend

If you wish you’d only dreamt

Parts of your life

And you picture all the reasons

That should keep you going strong

Make sure I’m one of them

I am one of them

(chorus)

If the sound of sirens wakes you

If your first thoughts all betray you

If you can’t see past the pain you feel inside

If you’ve made peace with the darkness

If you’re lost in broken-heart-ness

If you’re living but you just don’t feel alive

(chorus)

If you can’t see me, does it matter?

I’m still there

If you can’t feel me, it’s alright

I’m on my way

Original Song Lyrics: And So It Is

2011-08-16T23:32:00.001-05:00

Written: 2/12/2011

So this is home

But you’re not here

Unpack my bags and settle in

To empty spaces that I once held so dear

It’s all so foreign

And strange without you near

So this is home

But you’re not here

So this is silence

But it’s so loud

Can’t help but feel pressed in

And tangled in the words that form the madding crowd

I fight retreat

But do not dare back down

So this is silence

But it’s so loud

Find myself a world away

How I long to hear you say

Everything… will be okay

Words don’t mean what they once did

Of every poor reflection I’ll be rid

So this is hope

So this is peace

I can’t quite claim my fears are stilled

Or strivings done, but still I find release

And though I trust

My searching won’t soon cease

But there is hope

So there is peace

Yes, there is hope

So there is peace

Original Song Lyrics: Crash Down

2011-08-16T23:29:00.001-05:00

Written: 11/29/09

Can you change the character

Of a wave on the sand?

It’s always gonna crash down

(repeat)

Airplane flies high

Satellite rides sky

Meteor burns bright

All fall in the end

Temple wall stands tall

But in the twilight all fall

Can you change the character

Of a wave on the sand?

It’s always gonna crash down

Can you change the way each fruit

Lets go of its limb?

It’s always gonna crash down

Can you change the way we say goodbye…

It’s always gonna crash down

Oh, my head is spinning ‘round

Can’t keep this place from catching ground

Can you change the character

Of a wave on the sand?

It’s always gonna crash down

(repeat)

Can you change the way we said goodbye…

It’s always gonna crash down

Always gonna crash down

Original Song Lyrics: Wait

2011-08-16T23:28:00.001-05:00

Written: 4/18/11

So far…

Oh, you know that it’s so far away

So long…

I confess I don’t have much to say

What’s the point if the whole world

And everything in it

Is hopeless lost in their way?

So we wait…

Original Song Lyrics: Where Will You Go?

2011-08-16T23:25:00.001-05:00

Written: May 2009

You’re a slave being spent

Every night draining, aging premature

Taking back life, erasing your birth

Abuse becomes love

Love becomes hopeless as the lost in the night

Hope becomes memory, longing, and sigh

Chorus:

Where will you go?

Is there anywhere out there

Somewhere you could call home?

You just want to leave

Walk out and be free

But where will you go?

Where will you go?

You’re getting by now

You’re still in control, but don’t think here’s where you’ll stay

Another year older, they’ll send you away

And the strangers who called

Who longed for your love, will soon stand cursing your face

And revel exposing your dirty disgrace

(chorus)

And you beg for your water

You beg for some heat

You beg for the table scraps

Out in the street

You’re crying alone

What tears you can shed

And you still can’t get freedom

Out of your head

But where will you go?

Who’d care for you now?

Who’s left in the world?

Is there somebody out there

Looking for his little girl?

You’ve caused him such pain

What more could he lose?

You chose to seek pleasure

What more can you choose?

You sigh and you moan

You’re crying aloud

I don’t want to die!

Not like this!

You can always come to me

Where will you go?

Original Song Lyrics: Save Me

2011-08-16T23:22:00.002-05:00

Written: 12/17/08

Oh, I feel it creeping in on me

The trembling of desire

Something tells me I should... run away

Instead we both conspire

Chorus:

Don’t want to be saved...

Until the deed is done

Don’t want to be saved...

Until I get my way

I take a step

Something inside me shakes

Is it regret?

Or just the chance want takes?

(chorus)

Don’t want to be...

But it won’t last long

It never lasts for long

It’s ju-just one more time

And then I’ll tow the line

Oh...

I don’t want to be saved

Until the deed is done

Lord, I don’t want to be saved

Until I get my—

I’m gonna get my way!

I’ve got to get free

I’ve got to get free, mm-hmm

Oh, won’t you save me

Oh, won’t you please... save me?

Original Song Lyrics: When Your Beautiful Fades

2011-08-16T23:20:00.003-05:00

Written: November 2008

Photos get faded

The car rusts away

The sun it comes up and goes down

And with it, takes color away

You always looked cool

On a hot summer’s day

Always in style and alive

And vibrant in any array

Look up and look onward

Oh, don’t be dismayed

When your beautiful fades

Money don’t buy much

Strong towers collapse

Blue waves they rise and they roll and they break

And the sand shuffles back

You thought you knew better

Your eyes betrayed the flash

You almost convinced me to follow the sound

Of your wonderful laugh

But the secrets you carried

Each will be betrayed

When your beautiful fades

People grow older

Some friends, they don’t last

The memory’s weak, and it hurts

But you find that these too shall pass

We were so proud of titles

Of the sweat on our backs

Of the things that we made and we broke

We were so sure at least these would last

But will you be happy

On that fast-coming day

When your beautiful fades?

Oh, I’ll still be here

I won’t run away

When your beautiful fades

Original Song Lyrics: Calendars

2011-08-16T23:18:00.002-05:00

Written: 11/20/08

January’s hopeful

February full of love

March brings signs of life

In shrinking snow and growing bud

April hints at flowers

Beautiful May brings them about

June always gets everybody out

Chorus:

Through every changing season

As the days go flying by

I won’t regret a moment

That I’ve spent here by your side

And just like crossed-out days on calendars

My love will always grow for you

Radiant July and August

Keep us under lights

September draws us close

As it gets cooler every night

Bold October colors

Carried on cold November’s breeze

December always brings me to my knees

(chorus)

Ooh

And just like crossed-out days on calendars

My love will always grow for you

Na-na-na-na-naa

Just like crossed-out days on calendars

My love will always grow for you

Original Song Lyrics: Water Into Wine

2011-08-16T23:15:00.002-05:00

Written: 8/9/08

Chorus:

Jesus, they say You want to change me

Fact is, I hear it all the time

If this is true

And if I matter much to You

Please change this water into wine

Feel so mundane and uninspired

I’m sure I’ve gone and let You down

If there’s a way

Then let’s seek it out today

Please change my attitude around

(chorus)

Chorus 2:

Please change this water into wine

I believe You can

Make new the heart of this old man

Please change this water into wine

The conscious water

Confronted with her maker

Blushed and could not keep her former ways

So please awaken me

Confront me with Your glory

And I will thus be changed for all my days

(chorus x2)

(chorus 2)

We all know water is for living

By now I’ve lived enough to know

That mere survival

Simply cannot be the end all

There’s something greater here to grow

We all know wine’s for celebrations

And most people save the best for last

But now we’ll sing

For today You rule as King

And we know our suffering will soon be past

(chorus)

(chorus 2 x2)

(chorus)

Original Song Lyrics: Loud

2011-08-16T23:13:00.001-05:00

Written: 7/3/08

Chorus:

Ooh... it’s getting loud in here

Freedom

Of speech

Is beautiful

Freedom

To hear

Is beautiful

Freedom

To think

Is beautiful

Freedom

To flee

Is beautiful

Wake up with a racing mind

Must act fast or soon you find

Your own voice lost inside your head

A multitude rise from your bed

(chorus)

Diversity

Is beautiful

Tolerance

Is beautiful

Information

Is beautiful

Ignorance

Is beautiful

Never far from TV screens

Headline news and magazines

An internet democracy

Is slowly taking over me

Unity

Is beautiful

Disagree

That’s beautiful

The voice of man

Is beautiful

The voice of God

Is beautiful

(chorus)

On the spot what do you say?

Repeat a phrase and walk away

Never care to work for truth

Never trust what’s said to you

Too hard to digest the meat

And hard means something bad to me

Discernment is necessity

Sorting out what you believe

The patient tongue

Is beautiful

The cautious mind

Is beautiful

The steadfast heart

Is beautiful

The love of truth

Is beautiful

(chorus x2)

Original Song Lyrics: Hello Again

2011-08-16T23:10:00.001-05:00

Written: January 2008

Hello again

I’m sorry

It’s been too long

I know

I want to climb up that mountain

Of knowing You

But some days the climb

Takes its toll

And it’s proof that I

Took things back in my own hands

‘Cause where You lead, You provide

And these weary arms are ready

To rest in You again

Take me back and carry me to Your side

Hello again

I’m ready

Ready to come

And be transformed

I want to tear back that veil

That hides Your face

Instead, I find no wall

But my eyes were closed

And it’s proof positive

That I just don’t understand

I’m too afraid of what I’ll see

And the glory of Your face

Isn’t what I fear the most

It’s the darkness Your light reveals in me

Hello again

I’m broken

Body and soul

I am undone

I want nothing, I ask not

I have no right

I won’t say a word

I won’t say a word...

And it’s then that Your blood

Washes out these veins

And Your broken body makes me whole

And Your Holy Spirit comes

And leads me to all truth

And Your righteous heart makes light this blackened soul

And it’s proof positive

That I’ll never understand

‘Cause now I see I had no worth

And when I greet You, Lord

It’s not that You’re polite

Instead You’re the One who

Greeted me first

Original Song Lyrics: Your Way

2011-08-16T23:08:00.002-05:00

Written: November 2007

The calm to my confusion

The safety to my storm

The rage to my reluctance

The fancy to my foolish form

You and I were like two parts of harmony

But I sang in the wrong key

I wasn’t musical

The part didn’t become me

Scattershot and dull as clay

You took my night and made it day

Everything I am

You fashioned Your way

The balance to my blunders

The lion to my lame

The thorough to my thoughtless

The new man to my old name

You and I were like two sides of coin, You see

But I was merely forgery

I wasn’t precious, no

The part didn’t become me

Hollow as the words I say

You took my breath and made it stay

Everything I am

You made it Your way

And as I morph in this cocoon

My thoughts and dreams are fixed on You

I’m longing to break free

Become the plan You have for me

And as I wrestle, as I strive

I struggle on, I lose my drive

But here I am; I’m Yours

And until that sweeter someday...

I’m practicing that harmony

I memorize Your melody

I wait through fires of purity

And take Your image upon me

And sure as You’ll return someday

You’re making gold out of this gray

Everything I am

You’re making Your way

Everything I am...

You’re making Your way

Original Song Lyrics: Stubborn Bird

2011-08-16T23:05:00.002-05:00

Written: August 2007

What’s that sound?

I look that way

But I can’t see

It’s just a stubborn bird

Beating her head

On the window panes

All around me

She’s such a stubborn bird

And I don’t know why she tries

Around my home she flies

I’ve got to hold on

And hope she’ll fly away

Sudden attack

She’s behind my back

So I can’t see

How she’s a wicked bird

Making a play

From every which way

She don’t feel no pain

She’s a stubborn bird

Has she lost all sense

To make steady offense?

I’ve got to hold on

And keep her far away

‘Cause she’s making me crazy

What’s that sound?

I look that way

But I can’t see

It’s just a stubborn bird

Beating her head

On the window panes

All around me

She’s such a stubborn bird

She’s trying every window

Can’t get her out of my head

She’ll leave me silent and wondering

And every morning she’ll wait beside my bed...

Sudden attack

She’s behind my back

So I can’t see

How she’s a wicked bird

Making a play

From every which way

She don’t feel no pain

She’s a stubborn bird

Gotta stay cool

I won’t be her fool

There’s no reasoning with a stubborn bird

Original Song Lyrics: Forgiveness

2011-08-16T23:03:00.001-05:00

Written: September 2007

I was thinking about forgiveness

Glad for some time alone

Pretending I could explain it

To someone who didn’t know

And I thought about perfection

And how the scales are tipped

And how I’ll never measure

Up to Your righteousness

Chorus:

And oh, the depth of mercy

For all the things my hands tore down

And oh, the depth of grace

For all the things I could not grasp

I still can’t grasp this now...

I was thinking about the distance

Between man and man

How the power of forgiveness

Can flow from his hand

But how much greater in value

How much higher the throne

How much farther the descent

And how much greater the love

(chorus)

Oh to live every minute

Filled to full with the thought

Of everything You’ve done

Everything You’ve done

Would I turn so much faster?

Could I pull back my hand

Can I learn from You?

Will I ever learn?

I was thinking about the long term

I dwelt on what You know

And I looked to the future

And I mustered some hope

If You saved me in darkness

If You loved me sin

Maybe You could still love me

When I lose it again

It’s funny how I’m always thinking

And the subject’s usually me

God, I need Your forgiveness

God, I need to be free

Could You change my perspective

Could You reclaim these I’s

Won’t You take back the center

Won’t You push me aside?

(chorus)

Original Song Lyrics: Two Shades of Red

2011-08-16T23:00:00.001-05:00

Written: November 2007

Blushed two shades of red

Alluding to my secrets and

It’s the out I dread

I cover cheek with shaking hand

Please don’t notice me

The fact that I am running free when

Tones of a tragedy

A deeper shade of red you see

Chorus:

This blood cries out for vengeance

This ground stained at my feet

This fire hungrily consuming all

Well, it’s killing me

Late at night awake

Resolution gives to quake and

Over coals I rake

Conscience once burned at the stake

What have I to fear?

The calloused cry of single tear is

Quickly drawing near

The martyr’s voice has now been seared

(chorus)

Today I lie dead

Sentenced by the words I said

Through pale pallor

I can’t bring my head

To blush two shades of red

Where’s my head?

Original Song Lyrics: Out of Reach

2011-08-16T22:58:00.001-05:00

Written: May 2007

I like your spit

I like your spunk

Some days I just can’t get enough

Each day you change

You’re old and new

Try as I might

Chorus:

Can’t get my hands on you

You always say

You want some more

But I know what you have in store

Beyond that dress

I know the truth

But still I try

(chorus)

I sent you letters full of love

You sent me silence in reply

You’re looking for the newest fad

I know I’m just another guy

For a lady

That’s seen too much already

Should I try

Knowing you’re never satisfied, now?

I’ll tell you off

I’ll make you scream

I’ll make you get down on your knees

I’ll make you wish

That we were one

It is the best that I can do

(chorus x2)

Original Song Lyrics: Cold

2011-08-16T22:56:00.002-05:00

Written: March 2007

When I was a child I thought

That light was life and life was all mine

Bid the warm sun come and kiss my face

I’d drink the water in

And swear each color went well with green

Knew all the language of “Amazing Grace”

How sweet the sound of wind

A lullaby played only on leaves

A song I learned to know and love by heart

Night always comes too soon

And seasons change in harsher degrees

I found myself making a new start

Chorus:

Moonlight falls on the snow white planes

Casting shadows of crooked blue arms

Would you walk with me in frozen lands for two years’ time?

Would you withdraw to watch me wander?

Some friends don’t stick around

And never is it fault all their own

Sometimes it’s harder to remind yourself

I pleaded with the pen

“Don’t give up, don’t let your blood freeze

I need somebody, and it’s just you and me now”

(chorus)

I put the pen to work

Pouring out the thoughts of my heart

I wrote a song to paint an empty place

I walked in winter and

I let myself fall down in the snow

“This is exactly it”-- the words all wrote themselves where I lay…

I still remember how

It feels to find yourself all alone

I still remember being found there

And songs I thought I knew

Took on life anew

Sung in an old friend’s voice

But this time heard with brand new ears

Original Song Lyrics: A Time for Prayer

2011-08-16T22:54:00.003-05:00

Written: January 2007

I’ll be waiting here...

Daddy’s on the phone again with the

Broken voice of a close friend

His job’s on the rocks with the family

He swears that this might be the end

Well, dad says with loving assurance

That this just might be the beginning

This is a time for prayer

Clock’s ticking in unkind procession

Too fast for my taste, hey, but that’s life

Sometimes I can’t tell where I’m going

When I think I can, I’m more wrong than right

And anyway, who’s been writing this story?

How can I know just what’s going on here?

This is a time for prayer

Chorus:

I’ll be waiting here

I will call Your name

I will trust in You

I won’t be afraid

God, I know that this little thing called prayer

Has the power to change

I gotta find me a lover

God, I’m so scared of being alone

Each day is becoming a battle

Desire pursues me all the way home

How long can I really be strong, Lord?

How can I learn to love the way You do?

This is a time for prayer

Broken lives and ailing hearts, we

Are gathered here at the foot of the throne

He said He would hear if we ask Him

Our needs and our hurts, they become His own

And if no sparrow can stumble

And if these lilies continue to awe you, yeah

Then this is a time for prayer

This is a time for prayer

(chorus)

And this is a time for prayer

This is a time for prayer

Original Song Lyrics: All My Heart Desires

2011-08-16T22:50:00.001-05:00

Written: 10/27/07

Summer and winter

The changing of tides

Don’t know Your faithfulness

Even though they try and keep time

The far cries beyond me

The deep ones so still

May dive through the surface of grace

But never the half of its fill

Chorus:

And you have given me

All my heart desires

And you have given me

All my heart desires

I’ve never gone hungry

I’ve always been free

You’ve never rejected, O Lord

The things so important to me

And I’ve not been perfect

And I’ve let You down

But You always raise me up

With that beautiful, beautiful sound

(chorus)

This is my witness to the world...

You’re the Maker of heaven

Creator of earth

Author and Perfector of my faith

And Treasurer of my hope

(chorus)

All that I desire...

Is You

Original Song Lyrics: So Long (Part 2)

2011-08-16T22:46:00.002-05:00

Written: November 2006

Crying

She waits for You to come

But she got me

And she got him

And she got no one

When all of our goodness falls to the floor

When all of our secrets shine she flies out the door

And everyone just wants some more

And every Sunday they’re singing

Chorus:

So long to the bitterness

So long to the pride

So long to this mess we’ve made

Though we try...

He’s waiting

His mind just can’t believe

He’s watching

And I’m all of You he can see

But I’m so inconsistent, I’m so

Scared to hold this flame, I never let go

Lord, let me be the first to show

That I mean it when I sing

(chorus)

For the sake of Your beloved

Won’t You come down?

For the sake of Your beloved

Won’t You come down?

Won’t You meet us here tonight?

So long...

It’s been so long

Since You said You’re coming back

And I still believe

You want to redeem this world

And You’re coming back for me

And You’re coming back for her

And You’re coming back for him

And You’re coming back again

And You’ll wipe away the tears

And You’ll silence all our fears

And together we’ll sing

Together we’ll sing...

(chorus)

Original Song Lyrics: Dreaming of Houses

2011-08-08T22:03:00.004-05:00

The seminary student in me would like you to know that earth is our home and we will live in embodied existence with Christ for eternity. Just trying to use sometimes-misunderstood biblical language to talk about our eschatological hope. Thank you.

Written: October 2006

You who walk in shadows

And long for the warmth of the light

You who stand in silence

At the wonders availing your sight

It’s no good to think

That now’s all we have

When eternity’s swift in its flight

Chorus:

‘Cause we all live in tents

And dream of houses

And sleeping, we wait for

The day we’ll awake

And night comes to dawn

And years to thousands

‘Til Heaven and Earth

Pass away with the song of the grave

You who long for glory

Give Him all glory below

You who weave the stories

Tell the best story you know

It’s no good to think

That there’s nothing to do

When a world in captivity groans

(chorus)

(bridge)

(chorus)

‘Cause we all live in tents

And dream of houses

Contagiously hoping

For perfect estate

We live every step

In loud expectation

‘Til Heaven and Earth

Pass away with the song of the grave

We all live in tents and dream of houses (x3)

‘Til Heaven and Earth pass away...

With the song...

Of the grave

Original Song Lyrics: Carry Through

2011-08-08T22:01:00.002-05:00

Written: September 2006

Chorus:

If I told You that I loved You

Is it all there is to say?

If my actions said I didn’t

Would You love me anyway?

If I told You that I want You

Would I find my heart’s desire?

If I told You that I need You, oh

Would You carry me through

Carry me through today?

I’ve been around this block

A time or two

Hoping to find that one thing

That’s good enough for You

All of my righteousness

Lies like filthy rags on the floor

Still You accept me

(chorus)

I’ve had my share of ups and

Downs, it’s true

One day I’m flying high

And another day I’m blue

Oh for consistency

That could keep my walk in Your will

Why do You accept me?

(chorus)

Original Song Lyrics: Slave

2011-08-08T21:58:00.002-05:00

Written: July 2006

What does it take to become free?

Is it defeating your enemy?

Is it some chains, unshackled at your feet?

Is it a mind that's not told what to think?

Maybe I am not a free man

Maybe I've been bought and sold

From a harsh, sadistic master

To a just King on a throne

Chorus:

Maybe I am just a servant

And it's all I'll ever be

But maybe I'm a slave

To the truest kind of free

And everybody wants to rule their world

Directing, orchestrating, writing his story

"You can't tell me how to live my life"

"You can't know the truth in black and white"

And maybe I'm not always humble

Maybe just this once I'm wrong

But I'll lay down all my pride if you'll just

Listen to my song

(chorus)

Open up your eyes

Fly this cage of lies

The truth's not so disguised

The slaves are bending under whip and sun

Crying out for freedom every one

Under the blood of sacrifice through faith

They can walk away from broken chains

And maybe I am not the brightest

Maybe it's not guaranteed

But by grace I will step forward

Though I've no more mode to see

(chorus)

I'm a slave

To the truest kind of free

Original Song Lyrics: Good Morning

2011-08-08T21:54:00.003-05:00

I like the idea of this one, but it's got a lot of cheese that needs to be cleaned out. Apologies in advance.

Written: June 2006

Good morning, sunshine

It's great to see you in the morning

When I open up my eyes

Good morning, sunshine

You do the same thing everyday

But every time that I awake

I am amazed

Good morning, O my love

I am enraptured by your beauty

Like an angel from above

Good morning, O my love

What a blessing to be yours!

Your heart so faithful

And so sure

Your sweet allure

Oh I...

Feel like I am waking for the first time

And I've never seen the sun shine

Like today

Good morning, sunshine

Another day is now beginning

But I'm bent on bringing

Each hour to the Lord

Good morning, Jesus Christ

I am Your soldier and Your servant

And I'm humbled by Your light

Good morning, Jesus Christ

You are the same but ever new

Uncompromising, always true

I cling to You

Good morning, sunshine

My Lord has made you light the way

Just like my lover's warm embrace

Good morning, sunshine

I praise Your maker

And my Savior

And I rise and greet

A brand new day with hope

Original Song Lyrics: Yours

2011-08-08T21:52:00.002-05:00

Written: May 2006

Making up the starlight

Making up the moon

Wasn't hard for You

Making up the physics

Painting all these dreams

And thorns and

I...

Need a new creation

Need to find myself anew again

I need a revelation

So speak the words

And I will listen, Lord

I want to be Yours

Waking up and breathing

Taking up Your cross

Giving all for lost sheep

No greater sign of love

Your perfect plan of peace

And pain and

I...

Need to feel You here

Need to find You holding me again

I need a revelation

So speak the words

And I will listen, Lord

I want to be Yours

And will I still surrender

If this truth is older

Than the sun, the skies

The stars and all the heavens?

Will You take first place?

Turn weakness into grace?

Or am I holding out

For my own custom version of an

Awe-inspiring miracle now?

After all I've seen...

Taking up the helpless

Waking those asleep

Setting captives free

Walking here beside me

Giving endless grace

And truth and

I...

Need determination

Need to make my will as strong as steel

I need a revelation

So speak the words

And I will listen, Lord

I want to be Yours

Original Song Lyrics: 23 Maybes

2011-08-08T21:48:00.002-05:00

Composed to wrap up a live set.

Written: March 2006

And maybe this sign is the end of the show

And maybe we’re trapped here with nowhere to go

And maybe it’s hopeless

Maybe that’s the way that life was meant to go

And maybe it’s nothing, just a breeze from distant shores

And maybe the spark’s gone and the flame lost its roar

Maybe I’m falling

Maybe I can’t help but wonder where I’ll go

Chorus:

But maybe this love will not ever give

Maybe this life was meant to be lived

Maybe this wrong’s ready to forgive

Maybe...

Maybe this is all just the start

Maybe I’m waiting

Maybe you’re waiting

Maybe there’s still time

Maybe there’s...

Maybe there's still hope

(chorus)

Original Song Lyrics: Time

2011-08-08T21:46:00.002-05:00

Written: March 2006

I still hear you telling me

That this is not enough

There’s more to be had

And have you must

I still hear you beckoning

To try and understand

How to wrap it all

Into a new plan

Far away is the sound of the fire

Crackling

Deep inside is the burning desire

Time...

I’m not afraid of your empty threats

Time...

I don’t need any more regrets

I still hear you telling me

These cuts will never heal

How my nerves will never mend

Will never feel

Over and over waste

My life has been misspent

How can you bear the hope

That you’ve been sent?

Far away is the sound of the fire

Pushing the bounds, overflowing, destroying this

Deep inside is the voice of a liar

Time...

I’m not afraid of your empty threats

Time...

Pressing on I forget the past

I still hear you telling me

My life won’t mean a thing

I’ll grow old and I’ll die

No happy ending

I still hear you questioning

My every little act

Checking all my dreams

With harsher fact

On my face is the heat of the fire

Outside my door, pressing in on me hungrily

How can I quench all the flames that grow higher?

Time...

I’m not afraid of your empty threats

Time...

Once consumed, something will be left

Something must be left

Original Song Lyrics: God on the Mountain

2011-08-08T21:40:00.002-05:00

My grandma sent me these lyrics that a friend of hers wrote and asked me to write music for them. I don't know who that friend was, and my grandmother has since passed away. I did very little polishing to make them fit the music I chose.

Music Written: January 2005

Life is easy

When you're up on the mountain

And you've got peace of mind

Like you've never known

But when things change

And you're down in the valley

Don't lose faith

For you're never alone

Chorus:

And the God on the mountain’s

Still God in the valley

When things go wrong

He'll make them right

And God in the good times’s

Still God in the bad times

The God of the day

Is still God of the night

We talk of faith

When you're up on the mountain

But talk comes so easy

When life's at its best

But in the Valley of Trials

And Temptations

That's when your faith’s

Really put to the test

(chorus x2)

God of the day

Is still God of the night

Original Song Lyrics: Firefly

2011-08-08T21:37:00.002-05:00

Written: January 2005

Firefly flying in the dark

Which way are you going?

It seems you snuck up on me

You beat your wings all the day and night

Hoping someone will see

Hoping to help them believe

Chorus:

Firefly

Your light shines so brightly

Would you be mine?

Won’t you fly with me?

Firefly flying in the night

I know you’re working so hard

And it’s infectious to me

Some days I know you feel you don’t get very far

But where there’s love in your light

I know that soon they will see

(chorus)

In the beginning there was God

And then He spoke

And He said, “Let there be light”

Firefly, darling can’t you see?

I’ve been looking all over

For someone who glows

Haven’t you heard this isn’t make-believe?

What I’m trying to say

You should already know

(chorus x2)

Won’t you fly, won’t you shine with me?

Firefly, won’t you fly, won’t you shine with me?

Original Song Lyrics: A Good Day to Be Alive

2011-08-08T21:35:00.002-05:00

Written: 12/20/2004

You walk into the room

And wonder why you ever came

A sea of faces all around

Apathetic just the same

Well you have no match

Like a sock you’ve had

Since 1995

But they say today’s a good day

To be alive

In time you make it, in time you learn

That the days go up and down

But that don’t seem to make it easy

When the bad days come around

Between our smiles

One will let us down

Like a plot poorly contrived

But they say today’s a good day

To be alive

Bridge:

And could you make it one more day

To see these promises fulfilled

In the face of life around you

When your dreams are standing still

And there are days that every soul can’t see

The hope that will survive...

In a world that’s always changing

Like the lick of candle flame

I can tell you some things pass away

And some still stay the same

Like the love of One

Who has known your heart

With the power to revive

He’s made today a good day

To be alive

Yeah, He’s made today a good day

To be alive

Oh, I’m alive

Yeah, I’m alive

So good to be alive

Original Song Lyrics: O How I Hate to Get Up in the Morning

2011-08-05T13:26:00.001-05:00

I rewrote the lyrics to an Irving Berlin classic for college students.

Written: December 2004

O how I hate to get up in the morning

O how I’d love to remain there in bed

For the biggest bugger’s sting

Is to hear my buzzer ring...

The other day I bumped into

A college friend of mine

He’d been on campus three full weeks

And he’d been doing fine

Ten pounds extra pounds protruding

His eyes were bloodshot red

I asked him how he liked the life

And this is what he said:

O how I hate to get up in the morning

O how I’d love to remain there in bed

For the biggest bugger’s sting

Is to hear my buzzer ring

“It’s time to get up

It’s time to get up

It’s time to get up”

In the morning

An afternooner student

Is the luckiest of men

He stays up ‘til the early morn’

And sleeps ‘til 1pm

Oh if he had an 8 o’clock

He’d sing a different tune

If everything goes well with me

I’ll change my schedule soon

O how I hate to get up in the morning

O how I’d love to remain there in bed

For the biggest bugger’s sting

Is to hear my buzzer ring

“It’s time to get up

It’s time to get up

It’s time to get up”

In the morning

“It’s time to get up

It’s time to get up

It’s time to get up today”

O how I hate to get up in the morning

O how I’d love to remain there in bed

For the biggest bugger’s sting

Is to hear my buzzer ring

It’s time to get up

In the morning

It’s time to get up

...except for Mr. Berlin's share, of course.

Original Song Lyrics: Another Day

2011-08-05T13:24:00.000-05:00

Written: December 2004

“There must be some way I can change”

Said the tortoise to the mouse

“I’m going nowhere

I’m stuck inside

Still I’m the same”

Replied the mouse to him in turn

“Keep getting caught in the same traps

I should know better

I should have died

Still I don’t learn”

Chorus:

And maybe it’s time for waking up

And maybe the moment’s come

To break out of this, my warm milk diet

And maybe tomorrow wakes

With the grace to see itself another day

There in the shade they traded tales

Talking until the rabbit cried

“You can’t go somewhere

Unless you move

I’ll be your guide”

But keeping pace was oh, so hard

And lacking means, the two fell down

The rabbit bowed low

And let them ride

Straight out of town

(chorus)

Lying awake, I think aloud

“Am I the tortoise or the mouse?

I feel so tired

I feel so small

What can I change?”

But Jesus gives me strength to walk

And for my God, this race I’ll run

And in the running

You know I’ll fly

Because of love

(chorus)

Original Song Lyrics: He Reigns

2011-08-05T13:13:00.000-05:00

Written: September 2004

Autumn leaves, sing

A song of your Creator

Lift your voices up high

In your praise to the King

As we witness

Your fiery testimony

Creation will join you and sing

Mighty mountain

Paint yourself a picture

Stand firm in your faith

As you rest on the Rock

In your shadow

Our proud hearts are humbled

And voices give praise

To your God

Singing hallelujah!

He reigns

He reigns on high

Singing hallelujah!

He reigns

My Creator reigns on high

Little child, sing

A song of your Creator

Sing loud and sing long

To the Father above

As we witness

The joy of your faith

Our words change to actions of love

Singing hallelujah!

He reigns

He reigns on high

Singing hallelujah!

He reigns

My Redeemer reigns on high

And what can I do?

What can I say to bless Your heart?

Every breath that I breathe

Every step that I take

I sacrifice myself to You...

He reigns

He reigns on high

Singing hallelujah!

He reigns

My Creator reigns on high

My Redeemer reigns on high

Original Song Lyrics: If I Had Wings

2011-08-05T13:10:00.000-05:00

Written: July 2004

If I had wings

I'd travel the world

And see all the things

I've been dreaming of

If I had dreams

Dreams that could come true

I’d close my eyes

And dream of you

Chorus:

And if I had you

I'd tell you all the things I've seen

And make you smile

And make you shake your head at me

If I had wings

I'd take to the sky

And write all sounds

Into a lullaby

If I had a wish

If I had a prayer

I’d turn the next corner

And see you there

(chorus)

And if I could move

I would walk to where you are

But I here I am

But here I’m not so very far

So very far

(bridge)

(chorus)

And if I had time

I’d give it all to keep you here

By my side

Whispering stories in my ear

If I had wings

Oh, if I had...

Original Song Lyrics: Lightfoot

2011-08-05T13:08:00.001-05:00

Written: June 2004

I’m treading softly

I’m taking the long way around

I know you’re out

And today I don’t want to be found

Like a cat in the corner

With nowhere to hide

You’re the clueless kid, toddling

Arms open wide

Let me go

I’m speaking slowly

I’m choosing my phrases with care

The very minute I stumble

I know you’ll be there

You’re the shining crusader

I’m proving your point

I would give you my change

To get out of this joint

Let me go

I’m sick of running, let’s talk for a while

I’m sick of talking, I’m sick of your smile

Like you don’t understand

Like you’re never at fault

Like the face of a croc

As he opens his mouth

You’re like a bad dream

And I can’t, I can’t tiptoe away

I’m treading softly

Exacting my footfalls with care

As if it mattered—

Wherever I go, you are there

Listen as I draw

A line in the sand

I used to be tame

But I’m taking my stand

Now I’ll lay down my rights

And I’ll love you the best that I can

I can

I’m treading softly...

Original Song Lyrics: Twelve-Step Plan

2011-08-05T13:06:00.002-05:00

Written: May 2004

I’m on a twelve-step plan

To forget you

To leave you like you just

Left me

I’ve got doctor’s bills for therapy

I slept through what doc said to me

And I can’t

Break free

And it’s a long, hard road out of hell

But you seem to walk it oh, so well

I’m on a twelve-step plan

To remember

The way life was

Before you took my call

I’m chasing thoughts down every hall

I thought that I’d erased them all

But I’ve hit

The wall

And it’s a long, hard road out of hell

But you seem to walk it oh, so well

Feel like I’m running through a minefield

In my heart

I’ve climbed too far by now

To fall back to the start

And it’s a long, hard road out of hell

But you seem to walk it oh, so well

And now I’m making my escape from you

I’m on a twelve-step plan

To redemption

The freedom of a life

Within my means

I’m forsaking all the lies

That we traded

I’m on a twelve-step plan

To be free

And it’s a long, hard road out of hell

But we seem to walk it oh, so well

And it’s a long, hard road out of hell

But we seem to walk it oh, so well

Original Song Lyrics: Give Me a Chance

2011-08-05T13:02:00.001-05:00

Written: May 2004

Give me a chance

I know I’ve a lot to learn

Know I’ve got miles to go before dawn

Please say you’ll stay

Say you’ll wait up for me

I know that it won’t be too long

Give me a chance

To make it all up to you

To become the person that I need to be

Autumn and winter

Winter and spring

Won’t tell me what our future will bring

Tell me

I’m not the enemy

I’m not the one who makes you cry

Please say

That you’ll think it over

Before you go saying goodbye

Give me a chance

Give me another one

I feel thing are changing; I don’t know what’s right

Just take your time

And we’ll talk it over

I’ll pray with you all through the night

Tell me

I’m not the enemy

I’m not the one who makes you cry

Please take your time

And think it all over

Before you go saying goodbye

‘Cause I hear you saying goodbye

Original Song Lyrics: Give & Take

2011-08-05T12:58:00.002-05:00

Substantially updated in the wake of Hurricane Katrina.

Written: Spring 2004

Oh, be strong, my love

Be firm, my soul

Though the darkness creeps

Into your home

The wailing in your ears

The wetness of your tears

Will only last a season

Then it’s gone

Don’t sing me a song

About love lost

‘Cause I’ve had my fill

Just sing of God’s grace

And how He never fails

In His perfect will

Chorus:

The Lord has given

The Lord has taken away

Blessed be the name of the Lord

The Lord has given

The Lord has taken away

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Oh, be broken down

Be tried and true

The eyes of those around

Are watching you

The echoes in your mind

And all you hear inside

“What can I do?”

“What do I do?”

Well you weep for the moment

But do not despair

Just be silent and still

Remember God’s grace

And how He never fails

In His perfect will

(chorus)

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Well, I won’t believe in nothing

And I’m not afraid of silence

If the quiet brings me closer to Your throne

And I’ll give all that You’re taking

And I’ll take all that You’re giving

If the give and taking makes me like Your Son

Don’t sing me a song

About love lost

‘Cause I’ve had my fill

Just sing of God’s grace

And how He never fails

In His perfect will

(chorus x2)

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Original Song Lyrics: Lay Me Low

2011-08-05T12:56:00.002-05:00

Written: 1/21/2004

It's a dirty lie the things I tell you

The words I say

I'd have you think that I am humble

But not today

Last time I saw you

You pat me on the back

And I told you it was nothing

Don't let me bear it with a grin

Because I'm sure that it's a sin

Tasteless, I know

Still I'm choking on this pride

Father, lay me low

I’m a gutless sucker for attention

An endless show

I’m only serving where I’m gifted

But still I know

Were our loafers to be bartered

I wouldn’t cut you slack

And I’d tell you that you’re nothing

I’m only human, so they say

But still I’m sure that there’s a way

To shrink my size

To cut down all this pride

Father, lay me low

Vacation time could help me heal

Two bum legs and a crooked wheel

But still I ride

I’m tripping on this pride

Father, lay me low

Original Song Lyrics: Can You Hear Me?

2011-08-05T12:52:00.002-05:00

Yeah, I know... this one is overly preachy and I should have known better by then.

Written: 1/21/2004

Don’t know what else to do

Don’t know where I can go

Never felt so out of place

Never felt so alone

And I...

I’m looking for love

I’m looking for a stop

‘Cause inside there’s a hole

Can anyone reach me?

Can anyone teach me?

Can anyone hear me at all?

God, I’m in need of You now

I'm in need of Your Son

If I gave You my fears

Could You love me at all?

‘Cause I’ve been places

You don’t want to go

And I’ve seen things

That You don’t want to know

And I’m so ashamed

If I call on Your name

Can You save me?

Won’t You save me

Won’t You save...

Can anyone reach me?

Can anyone teach me?

Can anyone hear me at all?

God, I believe in You now

I'm in love with Your Son

If I gave You my fears

Could You love me at all?

Original Song Lyrics: Downhill

2011-08-05T12:50:00.002-05:00

Written: August 20th, 2003

Try to stand

Try everything I can

To make it through this time

I'll give it all

I'll stay till the end

To my disgrace

I find every day

I'm starting over in my mind

Do I confess

Or do I pretend?

Chorus:

When all the world

Seems to want to see me fall

Is it the better part of valor

To take a bow and hit the wall?

If I make my stand

Even though I’ve had my fill

Would You see me through the days I slide

Downhill?

Gone away

Memories relegated

To the unlit past

Here I lie

Here I will wake

Got to stand

Though I don’t understand

The reasons I am cast

A little more

More I can take

When my senses fail

And my sense just don’t add up

Will You be there to keep Your promise?

Will You be there to fill my cup?

Bind me to You

Tie the knot with grace and skill

Won’t You see me through the days I slide

Downhill?

When my senses fail

And my sense just don’t add up

Will You be there to keep Your promise?

Will You be there to fill my cup?

Bind me to You

Tie the knot with grace and skill

Won’t You see me through the days I slide...

(chorus)

Original Song Lyrics: The Penguin Song

2011-08-05T12:16:00.001-05:00

Written: 11/2/2003

I want to tell the world just how I feel

But the world don’t seem to matter here with you

So I'm gonna try and tell you straight

So listen as I sing

Be prepared for anything, I swear it's true

‘Cause every time you go, I miss you

And I hear you miss me, too

So I’m stepping out

To say I’m in like with you

I wish my head were always screwed on straight

I want so bad to be what you deserve

I'd wear my tux for 6 days of the week

(I need my Sabbath rest)

But still I’ll give you all my best

That’s what I’ll do

‘Cause in the icy storms, I’ll hold you

If you don’t mind that I do

I want to make it clear

That I’m in like with you

Monday morning

I won't be afraid

'Cause I've forgotten

What it's like to be alone

So don't let go

See I don’t know where I’m going

And I can’t fly there, it’s true

But I must confess

That I’m in like with you

Yeah, I must confess

I’m in like with you...

Original Song Lyrics: The Way I Am

2011-08-05T12:13:00.001-05:00

Written: 7/27/2003

Why do you look at me with half-expectance in your eyes?

If you could only see the sorry truth

Like a fool returning to his folly I’m to blame

I like to think I’m practicing my youth

Chorus:

And it's so bad, baby

It's so bad, baby

Yeah, the way I am

Why don’t you understand the drill, the subtle hints I give?

I can’t give you everything you need

Like a geocentricist, I’m feeling my own weight

The universe revolving around me

(chorus)

The way I am...

The way I am

Why are you still standing here pretending you don’t care?

Why am I still so blind that I can’t see?

I half-expect myself to tell you I can change

I even half-expect you to agree

(chorus)

Original Song Lyrics: Never Been Missed

2011-08-05T12:11:00.002-05:00

Written: 7/13/2003

Little reminders on the floor

And everywhere I see

Assurance that love will guide the care

Of all my needs

And my heart cries out

Just to know You

I'm a paper construction

Of a Man who once walked the earth

But on a good day I can tell

What a sparrow is worth

And my heart cries out

Just to know You

Know You more

And I know that there's a way

'Cause...

Chorus:

I've never been missed

Never been loved

Never been sure

Never been strong

Never felt enormous

Hardly felt at all

Never been carried

Never been called

And then there was You

Toppling mountains

In a way I can't understand

You grew Your own mustard seed of faith

And put it in my hand

And I know I live by love

That's not my own

When You raised me from this stone

(chorus)

And You’re drawing me to Your side once again

And You're holding on

Holding on...

Never been

Never been anything before You, Lord

I've never been missed

Never been loved

Never been sure

Never been strong

I've never felt enormous

Hardly felt at all

Never been carried

Never been called

(chorus)

Then there was You

Original Song Lyrics: Who Am I?

2011-08-05T12:09:00.001-05:00

Written: May 5th, 2003

One in a million

Or a billion now, they say

Occupying four walls all the same

Struggling to learn

The same old lessons day to day

Who am i that You should know my name?

Given oh, so much

But still deserving so much less

And for this joy i know You are to blame

Lavishing Your love

Despite my cursed selfishness

Who am i that You should know my name?

Numbered hair, my innermost You see

And You make me beautiful

You make me beautiful for my King

The One Who reigns in power

Since before the world began

A servant and a sacrifice became

You set apart a temple

That Your Grace might dwell with man

Who am i that You should know my name?

When times are hard, i've no less voice to sing

'Cause You make me beautiful

You make me beautiful for my King

And these days are too short

To do the things i want to do

And my neglect of You adds to my shame

So let me take this moment

Just to humbly sing of You

Who am i that You should know my name?

Original Song Lyrics: Parts to a Song

2011-08-05T12:07:00.001-05:00

Written: May 2003

Don’t know why I’m still stuck on this tune

Is it compulsive or beyond me?

Convinced of the whitewashed state of this tomb

Do I turn my back and leave?

I’m writing a history that needs no repeating

Who needs a conflict when I have you?

The parts of a song, faceless, with no meaning

I would love to be your fool

Now I’m faced with a question of divine direction

I sit here the craftsman with his holy tool

Awaiting solution or gray resolution

I would love to be your fool

To be your fool

I’ll never be your fool

And I’m locked in a prison of verse, chorus, verse

An AB pattern fixed by you

But I’ll wait for the moment that you can’t rehearse

Then you’ll see what I can do

With the parts of a song

Faceless

With no meaning

I’ll write an ode to you

Original Song Lyrics: Stay With Me

2011-08-05T12:04:00.002-05:00

Written: 4/29/2003

Sit down, let’s talk a while

I’ve got nowhere else to be

This park bench is comfortable

We can see everything

(Take a breath)

I hoped you would come this way

My brain’s been a fog ‘til now

But how was your day?

I can’t look into your eyes

For fear that you’ll see mine

But please don’t walk away

Because I love to hear your smile

Chorus:

Won’t you stay with me?

On this April afternoon

I know I’m not much company

But I’m leaving soon

Won’t you stay with me?

‘Though the sunset brings the night...

I prayed for a sign

To show me what I should do

I wrote down the words to say

But left them all in my room

I’m not one for speeches

And I’m rarely ever bold

But you’re the one I need

And I don’t want to leave here alone

(chorus)

I can’t stop tomorrow

And I know it’s wrong to try

My hands are cold, but I can feel

Our time is slipping by

Slipping by...

Tell me we’ll start over

Won’t you give me your reply?

I know things won’t be easy

But I’ll never leave your side

(chorus x2)

Original Song Lyrics: Any Other Way

2011-08-05T12:00:00.002-05:00

Few of my songs were written in a day, but I slaved over this one for two years.

Written: 4/23/2003-11/29/2005

Hello, hello

I see the people come and go

They tell me everything is fine

"You have your way and I’ll have mine"

Say what you want and want what you say

Grab the goods, but there’s still a price to pay

Turn some heads and raise a few brows

But it won’t come aground when you say:

Chorus:

Say goodbye to the night

Say goodbye to the day

We're gonna try and get by...

Any other way

I know, I know

And it might be forward to say so

The thought of right that doesn’t change

May strike your mind a little strange

I'm not the judge or even the jury

But I hear there's cause for worry

If you’re caught with a hand on the switch

To turn black and white into gray

(chorus)

Bridge:

Say there’s a way back

Say there’s hope once more

Say we're forgiven

Lord...

Say goodbye to the night

Say goodbye to the day

We're gonna try to get by...

Any other way

Original Song Lyrics: Liar

2011-08-05T11:57:00.002-05:00

Pretty sure this is the first song I wrote with the word "baby" in it.

Written: 4/12/2003

Wrapped in all pretension

Here I stand alone

I'll tell you what you want to hear

But I hear you'll never know

Oh, I hear you'll never know

Chorus:

I'm a liar, baby

Don't take me for true

I'm the shallow, wayward son

And I'm moving on for good

Oh, I'm moving on for good

Days I spent denying

Chasing after wind

And dreaming of a time when life was

Waiting to begin

Oh, I'm waiting to begin

(chorus)

Don't try to change me

No, no, no

And so the game continues

And in my mind, I'm sealed

But in the end you'll never know

Which of these words are real

Oh, which of these words are real

I'm a liar, baby

Don't take me for true

I'm the shallow, wayward son

And I'm moving on for good...

I'm a liar, baby

And I'm moving on for good...

Oh, I'm moving on for good

Original Song Lyrics: At Your Feet

2011-08-05T11:54:00.002-05:00

Written: 4/10/2003

I know

It's going to be all right

I know

The dawn is almost in sight

Chorus:

'Cause where hope is

There You are

And where You are

There the mountains shake

And there’s no place

I'd rather be

Than at Your feet

I know

Sometimes I can’t understand

But I know

You hold it all in Your hand

(chorus)

They say I cannot look upon Your face, God

But by Your side is where I want to stay

And I know my knees will fail me in Your presence

But I wouldn’t have it any other way

I know

It's going to be all right...

'Cause where hope is

There You are

And where You are

There the mountains shake

And there is no place

I'd rather be...

'Cause where hope is...

And where You are...

There is no place

I'd rather be

Than at Your feet

Original Song Lyrics: Somewhere

2011-08-05T11:50:00.003-05:00

Substantially updated 2011.

Written: 4/4/2003

Something's going on today

I feel it in the air

Another generation

Getting caught up in despair

“My life is a piece of gum

That's already been chewed”

Said, “My life is the sit-down

In a small town of fast food”

Hey, can you turn it back around?

We’ve got more than two feet

Planted firmly on the ground

Hey, is there hope this scene can change?

Wake up to a dawn

Without the poison in our brains

Misdirect the tourists

'Cause it's always so much fun

Make fun of the locals

'Cause they always seem so dumb

Wonder why I find myself

So lonely all the time

Wonder why the TV's

Always running in my mind

Hey, can you turn it back around?

We’ve been lost so long

No one can tell what we have found

Hey, is there hope this scene can change?

Wake up to a dawn

Without the poison in our brains

My life is a notebook

And I don't know what to write

Even so my pencil's busted

And my ink is running dry

Maybe somewhere in the prairie

Is a dog I can befriend

In a world mashed potatoes

Can I find a happy end?

Hey, can you turn it back around?

Re-collect the eggshell

That’s been scattered on the ground

Hey, is there hope this scene can change?

I wake up every morning

To a world of static strange

Hey, can you turn it back around?

We’ve been lost so long

We cannot tell what we have found

Hey, is there hope this scene can change?

Wake up to a dawn

Without the poison in our brains

Original Song Lyrics: Love Takes Flight

2011-08-05T11:43:00.002-05:00

If anything I wrote could be said to have been a "hit" in any way, it's this song. It was in heavy rotation with Cobblestone, recorded on our EP, and even got played on the radio at least once that I know of. Listen here.

Written: 3/1/2003

The day that he asked her to marry him

Was one for the history book

She’d look back and say

What a glorious day

Just being was all that it took

At first she would try hard to please him

And he never asked much of her

But time as it passed

Showed her love wouldn’t last

And still he gave more than her worth

Chorus:

And she never looked back

And I want to believe

There’s a way to make things right

Before he comes calling her home

Time and again he would write her

And tell her that he’s coming home soon

But tattered was she

Now a great infamy

Who wouldn’t know him from the moon

And she’d be out with all her lovers

And he’d pay the debts she’d accrue

And he still would dream

Of his now-fallen queen

With a love that’s undying and true

(chorus)

Oh I know it seems so hopeless!

But if I know him

That’s when broken love takes flight

Love takes flight

One day he’ll stand in her doorway

And she’ll see what she has become

The tears in her eyes

He wipes off and dries

And says, “Love, I'm just taking you home”

(chorus x2)

Calling her home...

Original Song Lyrics: Serious One

2011-08-05T11:39:00.003-05:00

I was once accused of being too serious, so I wrote this song to a jumpy country tune. Then I went to seminary.

Written: 2/25/2003

They say stop and smell the flowers

But I’m always on the go

Maybe I’m a little nerdy

But there’s so much more to know

I’m terminally boring

Organizing is my fun

After all, I am the serious one

They say I am neurotic

And I suffer O.C.D.

They tell me that I’m anal

But it doesn’t bother me

You will never catch me strolling

Until all the work is done

After all, I am the serious one

And who am I to deny that which has been given me?

I’m the one who sees the forest for the trees

They say logic’s overrated

But I think they’re all just dumb

After all, I am the serious one

Who am I to deny what they all say about me?

Maybe someday every one of them will see

That I may be perfectionist

And I may be a fool

But these skills will get me somewhere

Once I make it out of school

And I’ll make all of my millions

Being critical, my son

You best believe I am the serious one, oh yeah

Don’t you know I am the serious one?

...Yeah

Original Song Lyrics: Say the Word

2011-08-05T11:36:00.002-05:00

Written: 2/15/2003

The world is gray

And truth is but a mystery

So why is it so hard

Denying that You're real?

I turn away

And forget everything I’ve seen

It happens all too easily

Confusing what I feel

Chorus:

But I'll fight it off again

If You tell me I can win

Say the word

And I am Yours

I will be strong

I won’t let weakness get to me

But questions are so hard

Each time I turn around

Is it distrust

In things of Yours I cannot see?

If I could only know Your mind

When I’m not thinking straight

(chorus)

The world is gray

And truth is just a mystery

Don’t let me lose the things I’ve seen

Jesus, make me strong

(chorus x2)

Original Song Lyrics: Shooting the Moon

2011-08-05T11:34:00.001-05:00

Written: 1/26/2003

A camel and a needle’s eye

A mountain thrown into the sea

Spit from the belly of a whale

Like a poor man, dying

Needing surgery to live

Chorus:

I shot the moon today

I shot the moon today, I said

A flaming coal to touch his lips

A harlot lover’s heart loved clean

Saved by the wise words of an ass

Like her face at sunset

Like a dream that I let go

(chorus)

Stretched out and naked on a cross

A child of Abraham from rock

The Lord, He will provide the Lamb

Like a Teacher telling me

“The first shall be last”

(chorus x2)

Original Song Lyrics: Random

2011-08-05T11:31:00.001-05:00

Written: 1/20/2003

Random thoughts of nothingness

Have taken o'er my brain

Random thoughts of nothingness

Are all one and the same

Random thoughts of nothingness

Are poisoning my mind

Random thoughts of nothingness

It happens all the time

Say you don't want

Anything to do with me

Say you don't want

Anything at all

Random thoughts of nothingness

Are orbiting my brain

Random thoughts of nothingness

Are all one and the same

Random thoughts of nothingness

The propagation yields

Random thoughts of nothingness

Are running through the fields

Rollerblading January

2 in the morning

Pictures of you

When I close my eyes

I wouldn't put it past you

To see through my disguise

Say you don't want

Anything to do with me

Say you don't want

Anything at all

Say you're somewhere

I don't have to think of you

Just say something

Anything at all

Hold my tongue and bite my lip

And we'll see what comes out

Fix your gaze and take a breath

And listen to me shout

Say you don't want

Anything to do with me

Say you don't want

Anything at all

Random thoughts will

Never realize what's true

Random thoughts of nothingness

And random thoughts of you

Original Song Lyrics: Sackcloth & Ashes

2011-08-05T11:28:00.003-05:00

Originally an instrumental called "Maybe Someday." Words by Brandon Pitts and Josh Vajda.

Music: May 5th, 2001; Lyrics: August 28th, 2002

Chorus:

Naked came I

From my mother's womb

And naked will I

Return right back to You

Send me Your mercy

Oh send me Your love

Cast not Your wrath upon me

Send me Your mercy

Oh send me Your love

Cast not Your wrath upon me

(chorus)

Send me Your mercy

Oh send me Your love

Cast not Your wrath upon me

Father, forgive me

(chorus)

Original Song Lyrics: Never Let You Go

2011-08-05T11:25:00.002-05:00

Written: August 2002

Here I am

Trapped somewhere between

Forever and nowhere

Such is life

But still I want to crawl

Someplace safe and warm

Far away

And I know

My eyes are always

On my dreams

But that's not life

And I don't want to live

In a place where nothing matters

And smiles are all so fake

But who can tell the waking from the dream?

Chorus:

"Hush, child

I'll never let you go

You're in My hand and I love you so"

Close my eyes

Silence all the frenzied

Voices in my mind

Telling me

Of all the times I've failed

And doubts that I have hid

Far away

I don't mean

To question You or feel

Sorry for myself

'Cause I'm okay

And life is pretty good

So why am I still searching?

Lord, my God

All I want is to see You as You are

(chorus x2)

"Can't you see I'll always be there?

Don't you know I won't give up?

When the darkness comes to claim you

I will lift you up"

(chorus)

Hush, child

Stop your trembling

I am your Father and your King

Original Song Lyrics: Anchorage

2011-08-05T11:20:00.002-05:00

Written: 1/18/2003

Call me on the phone

I am listening

Anything at all

I would do for you

Now, my friend, it's getting late

But rest assured, I'm on my way

I step into the cold

And I am gone

Come into your home

And you greet me

Words come from your mouth

But I see right through

I would give you what you need

But you won't listen much to me

And what I offer's not

What's on your mind

Chorus:

Look into my heart

It's sinking with the weight you won't let go...

Why'd you have to change?

Can't you see it?

Anything I try

Doesn't turn out right

I will keep you in my prayers

I won't give up, I won't despair

And though my hands feel tied

It's not the end

(chorus)

Bridge

But I won't let you go

Because He never let me go

And all He is is all I want to be

And love is redefined

In the shadow of the One

Who paid for me

It's been a little while

Since I saw you

I came back to your home

But the place was bare

And I'll return your lost CDs

I will write and if you please

I pray that someday

You will find some peace

Look into my heart...

(chorus)

Original Song Lyrics: But for Grace

2011-08-05T11:17:00.002-05:00

Written: July 28th, 2002

And when I wake up in the morning You're the thought that lifts my eyes

And every day I stop and take the time to look, I realize

The simple magnitude of everything You've done

The way You love me and saved me through Your Son

And if I come to find the feeling that I've failed, I'll know that I am saved by grace

And if perfection was prerequisite to love, I'd be alone

But by Your mercy, God, I know that You can melt this heart of stone

Because You find me introverted and so blind

But still You come and tell me "seek and you will find"

And if I ever think I'll make it on my own, remind me I am saved by grace

Oh how I need to feel You holding on to me

Oh how I need Your love just to survive

And if there ever comes a day I feel alone and without hope

I'll know that I am saved by grace

(bridge)

Oh how I need to feel You holding on to me

Oh how I need Your love just to survive

And when I wake up in the morning You're the thought that lifts my eyes

And every day I stop and take the time to look, I realize

The simple magnitude of everything You've done

The way You love me and saved me through Your Son

And if I come to find the feeling I have failed, I'll know that I am saved by grace

And if I come to find the feeling I have failed

I'll know that I am saved by grace

Original Song Lyrics: To Know or to Believe

2011-08-05T11:09:00.003-05:00

As a theology student, I feel compelled to tell you that you don't have to choose between the two. This song is more about the decision to cling to God in the midst of doubt than any kind of treatise on epistemology. (This was more problematic originally... I tried to fix the ending.)

Written: 6/21/2002

I can't fight this feeling anymore

Try as I might, I don't know why

'Cause all that I seek is truth

But all that I see is gray

I want to know He's there

But I cannot find a way...

Chorus:

Don't talk, listen to me

I want to believe it, but I cannot see

And I don't know what's to become of me

If you showed me the proof

Would my heart be hardened in light of the truth?

I cannot seem to know or to believe...

I heard it before I learned to walk

It always came up each time we'd talk

Thought I had what I need

Wanted them all to see

Though I had tried so hard

My wisdom again failed me...

(chorus)

And I pray:

I want to know what I've believed is true

Pieces of the puzzle painting likenesses of You

What I expected is not seen

Am I to know or just believe?

Don't talk, listen to me

I want to believe it, but I cannot see

And I don't know what's to become of me

If you showed me the proof

Would my heart be hardened in light of the truth?

It seems I cannot know ‘til I believe...

‘Til I believe...

Original Song Lyrics: Dreams of Winter

2011-08-05T11:06:00.002-05:00

Written: March 8th, 2002

The scent of paper in the air

Reminds him of the days

That they would play out in the snow

When they were young, she didn't care

That all the skies were gray

They couldn't feel the cold wind blow

He dared to hope with all his heart

The times would never end

The world outside left them alone

She'd make the dancing snowflakes dart

The two would play pretend

Those winter hills became their home

Chorus:

Oh, to never wake up from this dream

(He'd stay forever there)

'Cause life is never as it seems

(He must return)

She'll always wait there in his dreams

One day he looked into her eyes

She laughed amid the snow

Oh, just to hear it every day!

But as she spoke her soft reply

The dark began to grow

And all his dreams began to fade

(chorus)

The scent of paper in the air

Reminds him of the days

That they would play out in the snow

When they were young, she didn't care

That all the skies were gray

They couldn't feel the cold wind blow

Oh, to never wake up from this dream

(He won't forget her there)

Her life was never as it seemed

(She's in his heart)

It's always winter in their dreams

A Break in the Blitz

2011-08-05T10:16:00.003-05:00

So it's slowly dawning on me what a radical shift this is for the blog. Already I have posted more song entries than I did total posts for 2010, and believe you me... I have a LONG way to go.

Because this is turning into such a big deal, I thought I would stop and better explain what I'm doing and why. I began songwriting in my mid-late teens as a way of expressing what was on my heart... which often amounted to women and trusting God for the future. Over the years, I began playing some of these songs in coffeehouses and with my band Cobblestone. I always wanted to do more with this music, but I've always had other responsibilities in the way and so much room for growth that I never felt confident enough to make it sound as good live as it did in my head.

The result of all this is that I've been moving on with my life but still holding on to the dream of making something out of all this music. So what ends up happening is that this music that I've always wanted to share has sat on my lonely hard drive not doing anyone any good.

I cringe a lot as I post these early songs because I know how cheesy they can be... on so many levels. But I need to share them, too... not only because they might have some small thing to say that could minister to someone out there, but to keep me humble.

This also functions as a journal of my life. There are a lot of songs in here about things that very few people know about, and my self-consciousness has kept them bottled up for too long. So while I don't expect the average web surfer to care about me personally, I can point friends and family here to get them up to speed.

I guess ultimately this is a way of letting go. By putting the old songs on the record, I can let them be whatever they will and focus my creativity on my new work. I can also get more realistic about my own life direction.

Oh, one other thought: most of my songwriting has been done alone, so I only have one perspective on these songs and the creative process. By sharing these with you I'm inviting you to help me grow as a musician and writer in ways I can't on my own.

Original Song Lyrics: Breaking

2011-08-05T09:55:00.002-05:00

Written: 2/28/2002

How did I

End up here?

It seems so far from where I began

When did you

Become the one in control?

Why can't I

Walk away?

I just can't seem to quit you

One of us

Will have to fall

If I'm to stay alive

Chorus:

‘Cause I don't want to need you

I know you don't need me

So why is it I fail each time

That I try to break free?

I don't want to need you

It makes me sick inside

Let me run away from here

Or watch... me... die

Parasite

Suck me dry

But I'm the one to blame

Shot myself

In the foot

Trying to escape

When will I

See the light?

When will I break these chains?

Not sure I

Have the strength

I'll press on 'til the end

'Cause (chorus)

Wasted again

I'll pay for all of my mistakes

Wasted again

But I know it's not too late

Humanity

Poison pill

Forfeit my everything

Another chance

I'll come through

Today marks the end of you

(chorus)

Original Song Lyrics: Cumulus

2011-08-05T09:51:00.003-05:00

Words & Music by Josh Vajda & Andrew Hatcher. In regular Cobblestone rotation.

Written: 2/9/2002

You think you're ready

To run the race

But you don't see what lies ahead

I like your spirit

But you are weak

I tell you "Trust in Me instead"

Chorus:

'Cause you try...

On your own

Relying on the strength of man

Close your eyes...

And you'll see

I'm different than you think I am

You call to Me

And find Me here

But it was I who first called you

You're never happy

Head in the clouds

Just test and see what I can do

(chorus)

I'll be your everything

I'll give you all you need

You know I'll never leave

Just trust in Me and see...

(solo)

(chorus)

I am

Original Song Lyrics: For You

2011-08-05T09:49:00.001-05:00

Written: 1/07/2002

I could paint a picture

Worth a thousand words or more

Capture every essence

Of a mighty rolling storm

Or maybe tell a story

Through a book or through a song

Give my all to charity

You know I can't go wrong

Look in the mirror

At the things I’ve been today

If I really want it

I must give it all away

Chorus:

'Cause it's all for nothing

It's all for nothing

Unless it's all for You

I could make connections

With the high and mighty few

Earn some recognition

If I lick their shiny shoes

Or maybe get my picture

On a million TV screens

I've got the willpower

And I sure can buy the means

Reach for a trophy

But an idol's what I find

I am worth nothing

'Til I change my state of mind

(chorus)

I could break my neck

Trying to do all that I can

Stop a speeding bullet

Just like Superman

But I'm just average

And my righteousness ain't jack

But still You love me

And supply all that I lack

Look in the mirror

Finally see the ugly truth

I ask for nothing

But a heart that longs for You

(chorus)

All for You

Original Song Lyrics: One to Come

2011-08-05T09:46:00.002-05:00

Written: 1/2/2002

We're told that we will rise

Up from the ashes

We've seen with our own eyes

You heal the masses

You hold no sword or stone

Cast no hate

Are You the One to come

Or should we wait?

Chorus:

I have no place to lay my head

Because of Me they'll want you dead

No peace on earth is brought this day

But continue preparing the way

You wander place to place

And speak in stories

When Messiah shows His face

He'll come in glory

I've known You since our birth

It seems so long

Are You the One to come

Or am I wrong?

(chorus)

Report to John what you hear and see

The diseased and the sinful I've made clean

The blind have sight; the deaf hear sound

God's children are coming around

I send my men to You

To have Your answer

I've done what I should do

I've served my Master

In prison I am forced

To face my fate

Are You the One to come

Or should we wait?

I have no place to lay my head

Because of Me they'll want you dead

Don't fall away because of Me

I must die to set you free

Original Song Lyrics: House of Cards

2011-08-05T09:42:00.002-05:00

First song with clear Derek Webb influence. Plenty more to come.

Written: 12/21/2001

Seeking solace in a simple game of solitaire

And I sure feel alone right now

The people next to me can't hear my dreams a-falling

So it's like there's no one else around

But I guess dreams themselves are never really here

They’re just warm and hopeful thoughts

Sentimental weaknesses like these cause me to fear

That my life somehow won’t pan out

Chorus:

How many times will it take

Before this mess is through?

How many more days will pass

Before I learn to trust in You?

Lost another hand and so I try again

I guess my mind is just not in the game

I’ve tried and failed to get it straightened in my head

A lot of good my foolish thinking brings

But I can’t trust my heart no matter what they say

It’s twice as gullible you see

But it's raised such a giant fuss these past few days

It's just so hard to simply let it be

(chorus)

Trust in You

I know someday I’ll understand

The things that keep me up at night

But it’s not today

I guess that things will never really go my way

Because I'm never satisfied

Strange that I should find a lesson in a game

When I know You've been teaching all this time

(chorus)

Seeking solace in a simple game of solitaire

But I know I am not alone

Original Song Lyrics: Goodbye

2011-08-05T09:39:00.002-05:00

Primarily inspired by the passing of George Harrison.

Written: 11/30/2001

Never saw this one coming

It seemed like we knew you oh, so well

We guessed at your motives

But all these years we could never tell

Would you believe we prayed for you?

Now after all that we've been through...

Chorus:

We're gathered today in your memory

But all we can do is sigh

All we wish we had right now

Is a chance to say goodbye...

Fearless yet fragile

Composed of a silent mystery

But how could we know it?

It's never the way that it should be

Could you believe we prayed for you?

(Though we never quite knew how)

Now after all that we've been through

(chorus)

And I say it's tragic

No one should find that kind of fate

I wish I could tell you

But now it's too late, now it's too late...

(chorus)

Say goodbye

Original Song Lyrics: Crumpled Paper Blues

2011-08-05T09:33:00.003-05:00

Substantially updated in 2004. A coffeehouse favorite.

Written: 11/12/2001

Would you believe me if I said I don’t have time?

Sold my brain to a doctor of an academic kind

I sit around all day

Hearing the music play

Now I’m going on my way, gonna make it mine

Riding in my car, driving straight for 75

Saw my old friend Sami and she ask me for a ride

She said, “My favorite bands are dead”

“Gotta get outta town,” she said

So I’m making my foot like lead, the day’s coming alive

Andrew’s waiting

We say, “Bring that nice guitar, son

Your daddy can’t hear us

You can play that Clapton”

Yeah...

Pensacola is a whole new state of mind

Been a long time coming but Brandon’s done his time

Standing there at the gate

The boy don’t want to wait

I said, “I’m sorry that I’m late, but everything’s alright”

Andrew’s thinking

We say, “Play that wild guitar, son

Your daddy can’t hear us

You can play that Clapton”

Yeah...

Original Song Lyrics: Holy

2011-08-05T09:28:00.002-05:00

Written: 10/18/2001

For all the times when

You felt so far away

And it seemed like the ceiling

Held down all the words I prayed

You heard me

Ever quiet, ever still

And You whispered, "I love you,

And I always will"

Jesus

You are holy

You are worthy of my praise

For all the times when

I sang an empty song

And I went through the motions

But inside I was wrong

I come before Your throne

Nothing standing in my way

My soul jumps inside me

As I kneel to You and pray

Jesus

You are Holy

You are worthy of my praise

And every time I fall down

You're the One who lifts my face

For all the times when

I wanted to give up

You became my strength, Lord

I exalt and lift You up

For every heartache

For every silent prayer

For every chance uncertain

Every moment You were there

Jesus

You are Holy

You are worthy of my praise

'Cause You're the only One

Who is perfect in His ways

Jesus

Pure and holy

May I always seek Your face

Never changing, You are God

Never changing, always true

Never changing, always You

Always guiding where I trod

Ever holy, You are God

Jesus
You are Holy
You are worthy of my praise
'Cause You're the only One
Who is perfect in His ways
Jesus
Pure and holy
May I always seek Your face
May I always seek Your face

Original Song Lyrics: Cast

2011-08-05T09:24:00.002-05:00

Substantially revised in 2008.

Written: September 30th, 2001

She’s like a scar upon my heart

She’ll always be there, but not the way I want

And in my foolish dreams

I write the script and shoot the scenes

But this king won’t have his queen

When he wakes up

Chorus:

Break me

I can’t let go

You’ll have to take it all away

Again, again, again, again

Life is a game that I can’t win

I travel ‘round the board again

The dice don’t roll my way

It doesn’t matter how I play

So I guess I’ll have to stay

As I have been

(chorus)

Feels like my soul is bound in chains

Familiar thoughts bring me great pains

And when I’m told I can break free

I think it don’t apply to me

The past is all that I can see

And it won’t change

(chorus)

Just like the leaves

I’m blowing in the breeze

Just like the leaves

I’m blowing in the breeze

Just like the leaves

Take me away...

Been broke, rebuilt, dead and alive

Not sure what state I’m in this time

Would you break me down again

Set the bones so they will mend

I’ll be stronger in the end

If I survive

(chorus)

Original Song Lyrics: When Times Are Good

2011-08-05T09:15:00.002-05:00

This is one of two songs that got recorded in the studio in 2004 when I was in the band Cobblestone. You can hear it here. I played bass and electric guitar on that one; Brandon Pitts sang and played acoustic guitar, Tom Randall played drums. Looking back I'm not nearly as impressed with the lyrics as I used to be, but it was a LOT of fun.

Written: May 16th, 2001

A rainy day, but a day off of work

A time for music and books

I’ve got my e-mail, I’ve got my friends

But let’s just not discuss about my looks

A crazy summer of old and new

Fighting my way out of bed

But you know I just can’t complain

I just listen to what Solomon said:

Chorus:

When times are good (be happy!)

Life will never be perfect (but that’s OK!)

The past is gone

And life goes on

And tomorrow is a brand new day

Another day feeling overwhelmed

Can’t wait to finally be done

If you’re not busy and I’m still alive

Maybe we can go and have some fun

I count my blessings and find them great

We’re way past fingers and toes

So I just smile and go on my way

Thinking to myself a little phrase that goes...

(chorus)

A crazy summer of old and new

(I’m gonna kill this stinking bed!)

Even if somehow I could complain

I just listen to what Solomon said:

(chorus x2)

Yeah, tomorrow is a brand new day (cha!)

Original Song Lyrics: All I Need

2011-08-05T09:12:00.002-05:00

Written: May 2000

Looking hard, I

Am blind to this path that You've laid

My life is spinning

'Til I can't tell which way is up

Right now I'm tired

But I know just right where to be

Alone with my God, on my knees

Though all else might fail

I know that You're all I need

Close my eyes and

Hand over all of my troubles

You look at me

And somehow see through all my sin

I'll never understand

No matter how well I know You

All I can do

Is thank you for setting me free

For loving a sinner like me

There's nothing to fear

I know that You're all I need

I look up and

Think about Your endless love

Sovereign Maker

Still You care and listen to me

Hard times will come my way...

And You'll always be

All I need...

Original Song Lyrics: On the Wind

2011-08-05T09:07:00.002-05:00

Written: 3/22/2001

I feel the sun upon my back

The cool wind blowing across my face

And I can't help wond'ring

If today will be the day

That all I know will change

Turn around and find it all new

Don't feel I'm ready for it all

I wonder if I'll ever be

'Cause it seems like I just came

When will I ever see?

Life holds no certainty

That's why today I give mine up to You

Chorus:

Searching for my perfect life

On the wind it passes by

I chase until I'm tired and back where I began

And see the beauty in Your perfect plan

Another day, another prayer

Tomorrow another mystery

And I can't help wond'ring

If the plans You have for me

Are fool-proof guaranteed

'Cause otherwise I'll mess them up for sure

My time is going far too fast

There's nothing I can really do

Am I just another fool to think

That my dreams will come true?

There's nothing left to lose

I know that I am safe here in Your arms

(chorus)

Bridge:

And should I be surprised

When everything turns right?

Though maybe not always the way that I’d planned

But God, I am amazed

At Your wond'rous grace

And I’ll sleep securely knowing I am in Your hand

In Your hand

I know life is a mystery

One that I will never solve

And I find reassurance

In the comfort of Your love...

(chorus)

I see the beauty in Your perfect plan

I see the beauty in Your perfect plan...

Original Song Lyrics: Here I Am

2011-08-05T02:02:00.004-05:00

I need to call it a night, so I wanted to end on a better note than "Jesus Fix." Fast-forward to this one, still early but at least one I'm proud to be associated with.

Written: 3/3/2002

I don't know why You called me, Lord

After all, I'm just a little boy

And while at first I wasn't sure it was You

Chorus:

Now I see

Lord, I am listening

Here I am

I'll wait on You

Though I know that what You tell me

Isn't comfortable to do

I'm not ready

But I'm willing

You're my strength

When I am weak

Here I am, Lord

Send me

In Your house, You are exalted, Lord

Who am I to be a witness, for I am so unclean!

But You cleanse my lips and call for a voice

(chorus)

Sitting in my room, I hear You call

I'm not good enough, not strong enough to serve You

And You can see that I've got nothing to give

But I'll give it all

Lord, I am listening

Here I am

I'll wait on You

Though I know that what You tell me

Isn't comfortable to do

I'm not ready

But I'm willing

You're my strength

When I am weak

Here I am, Lord

Send me

Original Song Lyrics: Jesus Fix

2011-08-05T01:57:00.003-05:00

Here's an extremely preachy and fairly snarky early song that I tried to rewrite much later when I was on a crusade to make every song work. Not sure it did much good.

Written: February 2000

I’ve got a Bible on my shelf (ooh, ooh, ooh)

I may have cracked it once or twice

It had some nifty things to say

But I don’t cotton to advice

I’ve got my stunning Sunday best (ooh, ooh, ooh)

Two times a year does me just fine

I’ve seen the way the weekers walk

And I’m not one to cross that line

Chorus:

I’m gonna get religion

Makes me feel good inside

I’m gonna get there on my own

I’ll get my Jesus fix

Gon’ get me high, high, high

Just go away leave me alone

I just upgraded to first class (ooh, ooh, ooh)

Soaring on frequent flier miles

The seats are wide, the drinks are free

And everyone around me smiles

I’m learning all the tricks of trade (ooh, ooh, ooh)

And trading money in for tricks

I freed myself from all this guilt

I’m feeling good about my fix

(chorus)

Bridge:

I can do this

I can make this

I can play this part

I can take this

I can fake this

I can learn to follow my heart

I think I’m slowly coming down

I’ve got this voice that I can’t shake

I always felt so in control

But I’ve had all that I can take

‘Cause something’s missing here inside

And my buzzes don’t get me so high

These scars and burns are multiplied

I’m being watched and I can’t hide

(chorus)

Original Song Lyrics: What Tomorrow Brings

2011-08-05T01:48:00.003-05:00

Finally, a burst of hope. These lyrics have been substantially updated from the original, so it may seem out of place in the chronology.

Written: January 25th, 2000

I’m gonna ride this train ‘til morning

I’m gonna see this to the end

I’m finally sure I’ve found my way now

And from these tracks I will not bend

My heart has found its destination

But my mind cannot comprehend

The measures fit to bridge the distance

The greater heights I must ascend

A dark wind sets its face against me

And on my track it bites and stings

But looking past, I lift my eyes up

And I can’t wait to see

I can’t wait to see what tomorrow brings

A gorgeous landscape is unfolding

People wave as we pass by

The speed of travel never certain

But touching every face in sight

Some days the ride can seem so lonely

But I can’t make it there alone

I heard you say you’d always be there

And I believe what I’ve been told

An icy fountain wells up in me

With silver tongue my praise it sings

But I know I’m nobody’s savior

And I can’t wait to see

I can’t wait to see what tomorrow brings

What tomorrow brings

I’m gonna ride this train ‘til morning...

Original Song Lyrics: Black Box

2011-08-05T01:41:00.004-05:00

Okay, so you thought the first two were personal and angsty? Well, buckle up! Very few people know this, but I really struggled with depression in my teenage years. This is the first song that came out of that. (Again, this is early work... I know the lyrics aren't great.)

Written: January 2000

I'm okay

On the outside, anyway

Inside, I’m not so sure

Heavy soul

Drowning in a hole

Hope has lost its sweet allure

Chorus:

Save me from the days I want to

Sleep forever

Dream forever peace

I need to feel You hold me

In Your arms forever

Safe forever free

Heavy-eyed

Hear them whisp’ring in my mind

They tell me no one really cares

If I die

Would anybody cry

Or would they all be unaware?

(chorus)

Here I stand, I sit, I kneel, I bow

Knowing only You can save me now

Send Your peace to halt these closing walls

Catch my summer stumblings turned to falls

Reawaken hope inside of me

I’m suffocating, won’t You help me breathe?

I want to be free...

I want to be free

(chorus)

I’m okay

On the outside, anyway

Inside, I’m not so sure

Original Song Lyrics: Pacing

2011-08-05T01:33:00.004-05:00

Wrote the lyrics in one night... which is always exciting, no matter how long you've been a songwriter. More teenage angst. Second song, so maintain low expectations.

Written: Fall of 1999

Here I am, up late another night

Staying up and thinking of you

And I wonder if this madness that we’re in

Is ever gonna finally be through

I know that it’s not your fault

Does that mean it’s all mine?

This worrying doesn’t seem to help

So I’ll save it for another day’s time

Yeah, I’ll save it for another day’s time

Chorus:

You’ve got me pacing the room again

Struggling to see a deeper plan

You’ve got me pacing the room again

Trying to find out what to do with you, my friend

Helpless, here I stand once again

Empty in the yellowish light

Thinking and torturing myself

Wondering what if I'd have done it right

You know that I meant no harm

Can’t you see how hard I’ve tried?

To give you release from the hurt I’ve caused

Is all I’ve wanted all this time

Yeah, it’s all I’ve wanted all this time

(chorus)

I saw the look in your eyes the other day

And I knew something just wasn't right

Your actions telling more than words could say

And my heart screams in pain at the sight

Here I am, on my knees once again

Praying for some help from above

And I know somehow if we trust it to His care

He'll comfort us with mercy and love

Yeah, He'll comfort us with His love

(chorus x2)

Original Song Lyrics: Down

2011-08-05T01:23:00.004-05:00

This is the very first song I ever wrote, and it shows.

Written: Summer of 1998? Before I started keeping track...

Lord, here I am again

Lying face-down in my sin

So I'm asking (for the 27,000th time)

To be free once again

'Cause I'm oh, so tired of returning just to fall

Even though it seems I've given it my all

Clean the dirt from off my brow

'Cause I don't want to be...

Chorus:

Down... away from You

I want to be in Your light

Lord, help me to stay away from my sin

Give me the strength I need to fight

Lord, I can't believe I'm still

Struggling with my will

Lip-service You never desired

But a heart that's had Your fill

But I'm now so weak alone I cannot stand

So filthy I'm ashamed to take Your hand

I've waited far too long by now

And I don't want to be...

(chorus)

Bridge:

I cry out to You

It's all that I can do

I cry out to You

Won't You save me?

Down...

I don't want to be down

A "Quick" Update on Life

2011-08-05T00:24:00.004-05:00

Oh, dear blog. I've been thinking about you a lot, really. I have all sorts of dreams about "us." No! I haven't been avoiding you! Just waiting for that moment of brilliance to hit at a time when we can capture it... together.

Unfortunately, tonight we shall settle for late-hour silliness instead of brilliance.

Just a quick update on life: celebrating 5 years of marriage with Jenny today (August 5th) and heading out into suburbia for a night. (Unfortunately, it's not likely to be much cooler by Lake Ray Hubbard than it is downtown.) Jenny just had her first baby shower tonight... we got spoiled rotten by her work friends! I finished my last summer class Wednesday night and am looking forward to 3-ish weeks of something like freedom before the next semester strikes. We've just started West Wing, season 5... still waiting for a happy-ish episode to drop.

What's that, Josh? You have free time???

Yes. Yes, I do. And what have I been doing with it, you may ask? Well, practicing music (I've gotten rusty on all fronts lately!), reading LOTS of books, and trying to construct a master plan for my life. Still. Let's take a closer look at each of these.

Music:

Oh, what to say? I've been writing again. I've been organizing my past work into rough albums to help the creative process along. I tried to play my hammer dulcimer for the first time and discovered the bane that is sustain. I'd love to record some bare-bones demos of my work here in Dallas, but not sure I can pull that off. Too many more pressing concerns. Trying to enjoy it for what it is rather than gnash my teeth at what I wish it would be.

Along these lines, I've been meaning to go to Art House Dallas since it started, but I'm scared to death. Knowing I'd be in a room full of talented people is as debilitating as it is exciting. Here's how I imagine the first conversation going:

Hip Musician: So what do you do?

Me: I'm a seminary student. And a senior data analyst for an engineering company.

HM: Oh, that's cool. Do you play anywhere?

Me: I play bass at my church's youth group sometimes. Oh, and there's the annual talent show at school.

HM: Oh. Well, what brings you here?

Me: I'm a songwriter and wish I were in a band.

HM: Oh, cool... I know some guys looking for a--

Me: Thanks, but I don't have time.

HM: Oh. Well, what have you written? Why don't you play me something?

Me: Well... my old stuff is kind of cheesy, my new stuff is still in progress, and I don't have anything memorized. Plus, I would need to warm up my voice and maybe drink a beer or something to stop shaking. I don't know. Does beer do that?

HM: Umm....

Me: Never mind. I can't drink anyway. School policy.

HM: And you came to a bar?

Me: Sigh...

Yes, it's much easier to stay home and save face. But I can't shake the feeling that I'm letting something beautiful go to waste.

Books:

If I'm not notorious for all the books I've started and not finished, I should be. I'm a publisher's dream come true. (Not into e-books. I'm an English major... and I have principles.) On active rotation this week are/have been:

How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. This book is a hoot. Very good, of course, but some dated and even suspicious things here and there. It occurs to me that my generation is wary of many of these principles... not because they are wrong but because they have been so horrendously abused.
The Medieval Theologians, G. R. Evans, ed. I've been toying with the idea of pursuing medieval theology. I toy with lots of ideas, but this time I have the good sense to get my toes wet and think through all the angles BEFORE I declare it to be my future. My interest is in professional systematic theology, but I'm trying to find the best way to get there from where I am. Yadda, yadda... point is, I'm exploring areas I don't know much about. It's fun.
A History of Philosophy, Vol 1: Greece and Rome, by Frederick Copleston. Very much interested in the history of philosophy as well... in fact, I had hoped to read through the whole series by now, but I've decided to take it slow and try to absorb more. With theology's close ties to philosophy, it seems foolish to overlook their history--especially this period.
The Idea of a University by John Henry Newman. As a would-be professor, I'm trying to read up on the institution. I've barely cracked this one, but it comes on the heels of The Scandal of the Evangelical Mind by Mark Noll, Advice to Christian Philosophers by Alvin Plantinga, and The Outrageous Idea of Christian Scholarship by George Marsden. All good, all important for shaping an understanding of where I'm going and why. Once I'm done with this one, I will read Pelikan's response to Newman.

Master Plan:

Due to the length of the previous sections and the blinking red light on my narcissism meter, I'll avoid this one for now.

Conclusion:

I think I'll start posting lyrics on my blog. I've avoided it for a while, but what the heck? They aren't doing anyone any good hidden on my computer.

Wow. A decisive moment for Josh! Be very impressed. That's all I've got for now. Stay tuned for the lyrics to every song I've ever written, plus more musings on my summer reading list.

I look forward to your feedback. Thanks!

Discipline

2011-07-12T22:44:00.002-05:00

I have a dirty secret to share: I hate discipline. No, I'm not talking about getting paddled or disciplining someone else. (I don't particularly like those either, but that's beside the point.) In fact, I'm not talking punitive discipline at all. I'm talking about structure, routine, focus.

And I hate it.

Well, okay, that's not true. I admire it. For some people like my wife, self-discipline seems to come naturally. She sets reasonable goals and meets them in reasonable time. She rather quickly gives in to this internal need to be productive. She has to be convinced to waste time and money. She follows through on anything she sets her mind to.

I don't suffer in these ways.

So far I've made it okay. I've been able to fake it based on at least two of my own talents: an interest in learning about almost anything and a desire to please people, especially authority figures. This is how undisciplined people make it through things like seminary. But I know this isn't enough.

If I want to do anything great with my life, I need some measure of discipline. I don't want to be forced to do what I should because of deadlines and punishments. I want to be internally motivated to accomplish the things I already want to do.

Confusing? It has been for me. I've always been a person of big dreams (maybe debilitating big at times) and I'm really hard on myself when I fail. I want to know the Bible inside and out. I want to have a firm grasp of history and be well-read in major works of theology and religion. I want to master the languages I've begun to learn and continue to learn new ones. It's possible! It's within my grasp! But I haven't been able to structure my life in such a way as to follow through... at least not without external forces.

While this has turned out to be somewhat confessional, I actually had something more productive in mind. I have a question for you, and I really want to hear your advice. I'm stuck. I need to learn self-discipline for a whole host of reasons; those mentioned above are just the tip of the iceberg. But where do I start?

Disciplined people of the world, come to my aid! How do you force yourself to do what you know you should when other forces conspire to intervene? How do you wake up, read, accomplish, diet, exercise, or do whatever it is you do based on principle alone? Rigid schedules drive me crazy. I can barely last a week before I'm ready to beat my head against the wall. I love my freedom. And it's killing me.

This doesn't come naturally. I can't "just do it." (And enlisting in the military isn't an option either.) So what can I do? How could I start exercising self-control and self-discipline tomorrow? What's worked for you? Have you been where I am or is it totally a foreign concept to you? Is there any hope? Any advice you can give is most appreciated!

Blogging Practice

2011-06-22T13:56:00.003-05:00

I think I recently discovered why I'm such a horrible blogger. Contrary to what would be popular belief if enough people thought about it, I actually write all the time. I write papers, make arguably witty remarks about things on Facebook, and journal almost every day (with real pen and paper). The problem is that if I write anything substantive without a gun pointed at my head, it tends to be about me.

That's right: I'm a narcissist.

Now you may be thinking this would be good for blogging given that the very idea that people would want to read what you write is what makes the blogosphere go 'round anyway, but no! That's not the kind of blogging I want to do. (The rest of this explanation is too self-serving to type.)

I've decided I need practice blogging about small things not directly related to me. So this is me forcing myself to type... but unfortunately I'm failing at the second objective. In fact, my next few posts will likely be failures. I've decided that's okay if I'm practicing... and I'm hoping by writing this, you'll think so, too.

Living for an Audience of One

2011-06-11T00:36:00.002-05:00

Have you ever heard of the idea of "living for an audience of one?" I have. In fact, I helped lead a college group by that name ("A One" for short) from 2001-2008. We were there before Big Daddy Weave wrote the song. Booya!

Recently I've heard the phrase more than usual, so I thought it might be a good time to share some development in my thoughts on the matter. You see, usually when people use this phrase it's to signify that we live to please God alone and not people. The Bible verse we chose for our group was Galatians 1:10:

"Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ."

Far be it from me to pick a fight with Paul. I think this is perfectly true and appropriate for us today. We do not live to please people as though we should change who we are or what we believe to fit the tastes of our peers. We stand on character, acting with integrity according to our purpose.

However (and surly you knew there was a "however" coming) there's an extreme that needs to be guarded against: thinking that people don't matter. Of course we as Christians should not forsake our commitment to Christ in order to make people happy, but is this the same as living for an audience of one?

The Bible is also clear that our love testifies to the world that we belong to God, that our good deeds ought to cause people to praise God--that everything we do is lived on a stage before not just one person but the whole world. The 2nd century Christian apologists provided rational arguments for the faith but counted the greatest evidence as the lives Christians live. They invited non-believers to look at them, to examine their lives, and to see that it had to have its source in God.

What we've done is confused the audience with the director. We live for an audience of one only to the extent that we act at the command of a single mastermind. But this doesn't mean we ignore the greater audience, hide from them, or take no pleasure from their reactions. It simply means that there is one person whose approval matters more than all the rest combined. They may not fully appreciate a given line or gesture, but they don't have to "get" everything; what matters is that its intended purpose is realized.

Not only is the audience more than God alone, but of the people who could potentially get a glimpse of our lives, there are both Christians and non-Christians. We sometimes use this phrase "living for an audience of one" to mean that it doesn't matter what anyone thinks except God, but that's bogus. It matters that we have a good testimony before non-believers AND it matters that we listen to fellow Christians. If you're doing something and the whole Christian community is against you, you need to take a long, hard look at what you're doing. Or forget the whole community, if you're doing something the most godly people in your life disapprove of, it's time to take stock. (Or has the Holy Spirit made clear to you something He has hidden from everyone else?) We need to be held accountable, to be humble in our walk, and this means paying close--if discerning--attention to what other people think.

I think we need to do away with the phrase "living for an audience of one." It was a nice idea, but I'm afraid it's too easy to misinterpret. We live first and foremost for God, no question, but we need to make crystal clear that doing so means living for an audience of billions.

Let Us Run

2011-05-23T01:21:00.003-05:00

What does it mean to become sanctified? How do we become more like Christ? How do we live out the faith that has graciously been given to us? These questions have plagued me for years. There are times when I have given up trying to become a better person, waiting for God to miraculously step in and change me. Just as Ephesians 2:8-9 is clear that I am not saved by works, Galatians 3:2-3 is clear that I am not sanctified by works. So why am I still such a wretch?

In Hebrews 12:1, the author gives us two clear commands: throw off everything that hinders and run the race marked out for you. These are things that I have to do—so how does this fit? If I’m not sanctified by works, why do I have to work to be sanctified?

I don’t doubt that this life is like a race. And I can tell you from experience that if I’m running a race my biggest enemy is myself. I have zero stamina. After just a couple of minutes I’m in horrible shape, and I can barely put one foot in front of the other. If I can’t keep it together enough to run 1 or 2 miles, how can I possibly manage a marathon?

Now if God is responsible for my making it to the finish line, do I just stand around and wait for fierce wind to start pushing me, for my legs to miraculously propel me without my control? Of course not! God could do that, of course, but that’s the rare exception. He doesn’t call me to stand around and wait for a miracle, He calls me to go.

So I do what the author of Hebrews says: I throw off everything that hinders and run the race marked out for me. (And thank God it’s marked out! Left to my own devices I would take a wrong turn and end up hopelessly lost.) I run. And I run. And sooner than I’d like to admit, I get tired. But I keep pushing. And it’s at that moment that the miracle happens; if I can power through every obstacle, overcome any pain, beat my body into submission—that’s when I’ll know that God is with me. That’s when sanctification happens.

I know beyond a shadow of doubt that left to my own devices I could never make the finish line. It is physically impossible. But the God who has called me to run the race will be faithful to show up when I need Him most, when all my own efforts fail me. And it’s the very act of successfully pushing through that proves to me God is at work. And when I cross that impossible finish line, I’ll look back and know it was not by my effort but a gracious gift from God.

That’s my theory of sanctification.

The terrain on our races may be different, and you may be facing obstacles that seem impossible. Maybe you even feel like you’ve stalled out and have already failed the race. Don’t give up! As long as you’re alive you can keep running. Each of us runs with a limp—you’re not alone. But the same grace that will carry me past my own reserves will do the same for you. I don’t know any more about what’s around the next bend than you do, but I know that nothing is too difficult for God.

Not so sure? Study the people in Hebrews 11 and tell me: did they cross the finish line on their own? These people prove to us that we can finish well—and that faith in God makes all the difference.

Finally, races are always easier when you have people to run with. Make sure you’re not alone! We’re all running the race, but we’re running it together; don’t try to break from the crowd. We need each other—it’s one of the most important ways God sustains us on the journey.

Unhealthy Trends in Popular American Theology

2011-04-22T09:06:00.003-05:00

On April 30th from 1:00-4:15pm I will be co-teaching a class at Watermark Community Church titled "Unhealthy Trends in Popular American Theology." It's part of the church's Training Day, and the cost is $10 with free childcare if you sign up by the 25th. Our session will be from 1:00-4:14pm, but there are a lot of other great sessions scheduled in the morning for no additional charge. Anybody is welcome, so feel free to share this with anyone you think might be interested.

Here's a short description of the class:

"We've all gone to churches that have problems. We've seen heated arguments about losing your salvation, how to interpret the Bible, or whether Hell really exists. The truth is, American Christianity is often broken and ill, and another band-aid won’t help. What is at the root of the major sicknesses plaguing the Body of Christ? What false ideas are causing the symptoms we see? Let’s diagnose our theology together."

Hope to see you there!

CLICK HERE TO SIGN UP FOR TRAINING DAY!

Dear Pen-Pal

2011-02-04T01:10:00.005-06:00

Once upon a time very late at night was the best time of all to write. These days I'm not so convinced. Perhaps if I had some kind of regular schedule things would be different, but as it is every night is different. Some days caffeine has no effect, others a few sips will launch me into the morning.

I don't exactly know why I'm writing today. Well, I suppose I do. I've been taking a purposeful break from blogging (as opposed to my usual accidental breaks), and that for a couple of reasons:

First, there is a certain amount of foolishness to broadcasting anything worth saying to everyone on the internet--who effectively add up to no one at all. The more important your message, the better defined your audience must be. This is a lesson the blogosphere must learn someday. (Pretend this isn't true in this instance. Read on.)

Second, if I am to be a professional academic, I have a long way to go, and that includes choosing more carefully when to write and upon what topics. I have been keeping what I call my Edwards Journals: when I have an idea about some topic, I create a Word document and begin writing on it until I have run out of steam. Whenever more comes to mind I add it, no sooner, no later. Related to this is the beginning of a personal systematic theology and personal commentaries on all the books of the Bible. Don't expect to see them anytime soon. They are intended for my growth. Whether they would or could be anything more will take decades to tell.

Third, I have felt plagued by a lack of focus in my life. My diversity of interests are at times my greatest joy, but at others they seem my greatest burden. How can I become the best scholar I can be if I waste time writing blog entries like this one? How much work can I put into music before I've effectively bent down to tie my shoes in the race?

So I've been cutting back on blogging, on listening to music(!) and podcasts, even on Facebook. (Okay, that last one is a lie. I try and fail miserably each day.) And I've seen progress. I've been able to think more clearly, be more disciplined, accomplish more things--or at least feel more productive.

The problem is that while I have more ideas to talk about, I have no venue for talking. Which brings me back to why I'm writing now: communication is never half so rewarding as when you can at least pretend someone is listening on the other end of the line.

I find that when I think about the "good old days" the period I'm referring to has everything to do with the topic. When I think about the good old days of writing I'm actually referring to some of the worst days in my life in every other way. As a lonely, isolated teenager writing was a huge part of my life. I used to write stories and songs--which were fun and exciting just for their own sake. But few things are as rewarding as having a pen-pal.

I've corresponded with a number of people in my life, but for a time I was blessed with two stellar pen-pals in particular: Andrew C. and Sam M. I could share anything with them and they could share anything with me. It was exciting to read about their passions, exciting to write about mine. That kind of community is hard to find, especially in the fast-paced world of Dallas life.

So tonight I just wanted to recapture a little bit of that magic. It would be far better if I had a Sam or Andrew to write to, but I hope you don't mind me using you, dear reader. Sometimes you just need to pretend your words matter and that's enough. And I hope they do. And if they don't tonight, I hope they will.

If it sounds like there's a touch of melancholy in my type, rest assured. I have good friends, great family... I know I am loved. What I'm feeling right now isn't melancholy so much as nostalgia. This is a strange ode of sorts. It's a public thank you to the makers of great memories. It's longing that will be fulfilled one day as all worthy dreams will.

Thanks for reading, whoever you are. May you always have friends who keep your ink flowing.

A New Year's Miscellany

2011-01-01T08:11:00.003-06:00

New Year's Eve/Day isn't really that exciting in the Dallas Vajda household. When you routinely stay up past midnight the rest of the year for school, doing so to watch a ball drop during winter break somehow loses it's appeal. We don't drink... or even like the sparkling substitutes all that much. I've given up on resolutions years ago because I figured if something was worth changing it didn't need to wait until a new year.

I've never been all that good at keeping resolutions anyway.

But New Year's is a great excuse to take stock of your life, and for that I am glad. It's one of my favorite hobbies. Plus we can all do it together, so it somehow feels less self-centered to share it with each other. In fact, it's being a good member of the community.

Score one for 2011.

I tried the whole "my year in statuses" thing on Facebook and that was a joke. Either there was nothing newsworthy in my life or the thing just picked the wrong quotes at random. I'd like to think it was a third option: my statuses are so cryptic and artistically worded that computers cannot penetrate them. I'll go with this for now.

2010 Recap

What was 2010 like? Well, after the in-laws visited for Christmas, I went north for a week of work back in the office at Mears. It was good to reconnect with everyone, as always. I jumped into my spring semester at DTS, taking Greek IV (exegesis), Hebrew II (grammar and syntax), Theology IV (soteriology/salvation), Church History II (American church history), and a seminar on John Calvin. It was a tough semester, primarily because of the Greek/Hebrew combo. Plus I had to read all of Calvin's Institutes for class and that sucker is not small.

Once the semester was over, we drove to Michigan for two weddings and three weeks of vacation in between. We hit Adrian, Toldeo, Allen Park, Belmont, Mt. Pleasant, Port Sheldon, Roscommon, and probably some places in between. Oh and Champaign, IL on the way home. This is a fairly typical summer vacation for us as we are blessed to have such good friends in so many places.

The rest of the summer saw four more classes--that's right four. I had the Gospels, Theology VI (eschatology/end times), and seminars in Medieval Church History and theology in art & culture. During this time we also house sat for some friends near Fort Worth, which began new levels of cabin fever as we moved back to our petless, 750 square foot apartment.

With the fall came--you guessed it--more classes: Hebrew III (exegesis), Postmodernism, Teaching Christian Higher Education, and Old Testament History & Poetry. I also began an internship with the seminary which will conclude this coming summer. Fall turned out to be one of our busiest months for travel, with Jenny going to Boston for a conference (of course I tagged along) and me going to Atlanta for a conference of my own. Plus I got to help with worship at a youth retreat and Jenny's sister came in for Thanksgiving.

In short, it's been one of the busiest years of my life, and one of the best. (Although I wouldn't want to equate the two; it's also been one of the most stressful.)

Happy New Year

My two favorite New Year's tweets this morning are from musicians: Louie Giglio and Weird Al Yankovic. Said the latter: "In just a few hours EVERYTHING WILL BE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT." Said the former: "One year closer to all things new." These sum up my feelings about 2011. On the one hand, nothing's going to change. Our new year is arbitrary, and the only things that will be different are physical calendars (if anyone still owns any), the number you write your checks (if anyone still writes any), and whatever YOU decide to change. On the other hand, I believe with all of my heart that Jesus is returning and that all things will be made new again, not in the sense of rebirth but in resurrection. And the idea that we are one year closer to that--now that's worth celebrating. I'll say "Happy New Year" with gusto if we understand that it's one step closer to a happy Everything-New Year.

Looking Forward to 2011

What do I expect from the year ahead? Well, I'll keep studying full-time at DTS, knocking out two of my last three semesters. I'll take a couple more summer classes and begin to work toward the ever-elusive "next step" (which right now looks like sending out resumes rather than applications; a topic for another day). I'll finish my internship and possibly start work on a master's thesis. I'm hoping to tweak my involvement at church to better use my talents, passions, and gifts, hopefully preparing me for future ministry. More friends will graduate from school and scatter abroad. Construction will be completed on our apartment complex. My toe and leg will finally heal so that I can be more athletic again (at least I hope so; I'm sick of limping and bandaging daily). This year's ETS conference in San Francisco will be a blast with a huge group of friends and their wives coming a long--mine, too. We'll probably do some travelling in the summer, though we haven't decided where yet.

I think it's going to be a good year.

Of course, I try to take James' advice and add "Lord willing" every time I speak of future plans. I can plan whatever I want, but God's plan is the one that will happen for sure. It is a better plan, but I don't have access to it ahead of time. He gives me principles, but the details are realized in the unfolding.

As always, thanks for reading. I hope you have a great new year. I'll close with one last tweet I liked, purportedly an Irish proverb: "May your hand always be extended in friendship and never in want."

Thanksgiving and Hope

2010-11-25T08:48:00.007-06:00

Up until a few weeks ago, I was not excited about Thanksgiving. Truth be told, I have been cynical about holidays in general for years now, which has prompted more than one "this holiday is different" blog or Sunday School lesson in days of yore as I tried to overcome negative attitudes. Rather than follow that pattern again, I'd like to get to the point and simply offer you an expanded view of Thanksgiving, one that follows a pattern I have recently begun applying to all holidays. Maybe there will be nothing here for you except a reminder, but even in this I will be glad.

Note: I won't mind too terribly if you associate these with the three ghosts of A Christmas Carol... just don't let this limit your view!

Thanksgiving Present

This is the part of Thanksgiving we usually do really well. After all, it's Thanksgiving as it was meant to be celebrated. We thank God (not sure who else one would thank, but that's a topic for another day) for all that we have now, however grand or meager. America is still one of the richest nations in the world--and by now I hope we realize this is God's grace and not our merit. Even the poorest of us have a great deal compared with the rest of the world. We are also thankful for the things money cannot buy: friends, family. I am also thankful for Jesus saving me from my sins--which seem to multiply each year. The list goes on and on, and I have noticed some of my Facebook friends publicly listing more and more things each day. I think this is great. This is the Thanksgiving of tradition, and what a wonderful tradition it is.

Thanksgiving Past

However, the main reason for any holiday is to remember. Some of us do this better than others. We look back over the years and celebrate things that should never be forgotten. What events or people can you look back on in your life with gratitude, what memories should not be forgotten? I remember a time when my family was low on money and our loved ones chipped in and helped us through that tough time, often anonymously, sometimes even miraculously. This should never be forgotten. I remember a day when some of my closest friends sat in a circle in a small hotel room in Atlanta and just encouraged me (we took turns--it wasn't just about me!) and how much that meant, especially coming out of a dark time in my life. I could go on and on, but you get the idea.

Even if you feel you have nothing to be thankful for now (which I don't buy if you can afford the online access to read this) there are definitely things worth celebrating from your past. Some of you may have to work harder than others at this, but it is worth the effort.

Thanksgiving Future

This is perhaps the most profound part of Thanksgiving. It isn't that the other emphases are somehow lacking, but to me this is the most worth celebrating and yet I would venture to say it is by far the most neglected. I hadn't thought about it myself until I watched the film Babette's Feast in class this summer. Trying not to give too much away, the movie features a woman who throws a lavish feast for her aging and austere friends. It is the best meal they have ever had in their lives--they did not know food could even taste that good. The closing line of the movie--and I wish I could quote it verbatim but memory and Google fail me--is something like, "If food can taste this great here just imagine what heaven will be like!"

Any time Christians gather to feast we are looking forward with hope to a day when we will feast with Christ and the saints who have gone before. The Bible calls this the Marriage Supper of the Lamb, and it celebrates the time when the Church is finally united with Christ. In some ways it is the kickoff party to eternity. Any meal with friends or family is a chance to remember what Christ did at His first coming and look forward to His second coming--this is communion. But Thanksgiving is an excuse to go all out, to lavish upon your guests all you have to give--not only in food, but in fellowship, to bring them to that point where they walk away saying, "Wow! And heaven will be better than even this!"

Final Thoughts

One of my historic complaints about Thanksgiving was that it had become a day of gluttony. But as I understand it there are times when God is happy to see us bursting at the seams (maybe even a little drunk?) The trick is not to do it every day, and that when you do it you do it with the right motivations. Don't eat compulsively but enjoy every mouthful. Don't sit down for the food only, but for the people sharing your table. And don't dare walk away hungry when God has provided you so much. (Unless you and your guests choose to celebrate in a different way. What can you do to make yourself and others the most thankful to God today? Do that.)

I feel as though I have only scratched the surface, and in more words than I had planned. I hope today finds you thankful for what is, what was, and what glorious things are to come for those of you in Christ Jesus.

God bless, and Happy Thanksgiving!

God Can Take It

2010-09-24T09:21:00.004-05:00

Note: I got a free audio book of the entire ESV Bible from Audible.com AND supported one of my favorite podcasters, Dan Carlin, in the process. Now I can listen to the Bible (for class credit!) while I work (and get paid!). Everybody wins.

So I've been listening to the accounts of Elijah and Elisha and it suddenly dawned on me that I've been tricked. For most of my life I believed that God was worthy of respect, the kind of respect that requires an obedient, humble heart. So far so good. But sometime in my late teens or early 20's I was told that God doesn't mind when we get angry with Him. He already knows what's on your heart, and He's big enough--He can take it. This seemed wise to me at the time, and I have incorporated this into my life since.

As I listen, I am reminded of the holiness of God. A young prophet accomplishes his mission, but has a meal when he's not supposed to. Bam! Dead. Kids make fun of a bald prophet. FOOLS! Bam! Dead. The ethics of the Old Testament are a puzzle I would love to solve someday.

What stands out to me is the story of Elijah in the cave. He's angry and depressed, and he tells God so. This is supposed to be an example of just the kind of behavior I'm mature enough to express. God can take it, after all. But when Elijah comes face to face with God (who was using His library voice) and repeats his message, he first covers his face. Why? BECAUSE GOD COULD TAKE HIM. And not in the kind of whirlwind he was looking forward to.

Of course God can handle whatever emotions we throw at Him, but does that mean we have the right to hurl them just the same? Doesn't this very truth prove to us that we don't need to vomit our strongest emotions on God but be still and know that He already knows? When the King invites you to His court, it's a big deal. When the Almighty listens, it's the greatest of honors. Should I then make accusations? Should I rage against my Lord?

I totally believe in being honest with God... anything less is just stupid. But I don't think this gives me the freedom to be honest in a way that dishonors Him. Not anymore. No matter how low Jesus humbled Himself, and no matter how high I am exalted as an adopted child of God, He is still the King and I am still His servant. He is there, He empathizes, He is in complete control. And these truths must guide the way I speak to him. If I'm angry, let me express my concern with hands folded not fisted. Let my face bow to the ground and not sneer at the sky.

Music and Memory II: More Transporting

2010-09-20T09:04:00.004-05:00

Okay, so I hear that the subject of my last post is actually the subject of a movie I should have seen a long time ago: High Fidelity. I always heard it was good, and I'm generally a Cusack fan... just never got around to it.

Right now I'm having an experience that gives this idea of musical transporting a different twist: I'm listening to music that's transporting me again, but it's transporting me to a time and place that predates the first time I heard this song. The song is Transmission by Joy Division, which I fell in love with instantly a couple years ago. But something about the sound takes me back to life in Detroit in the early 90's... over a decade after the song came out and a decade before I first heard it.

What could explain this? Does it produce emotions I felt back then? Were the bands I listened to in those days influenced by Joy Division musically? Are they on both ends of a period in production that didn't exist before Joy Division and passed on before the new millennium? I'm sure there are answers to these questions, and it just reminds me how little I still know about music after all these years.

Music and Memory

2010-09-10T19:31:00.002-05:00

So right now I'm listening to Canopy Glow by Anathallo and I have these incredibly strong emotions connected with it. I received it as a Christmas present in 2008 just after we moved here to Dallas and listened to it constantly that winter. To this day it's one of my favorite albums, along with their previous album Floating World.

For our first year in Dallas we lived at one apartment complex; for the past year and change we've lived here in student housing. There are days I have to remind myself that I actually lived at that first apartment. I loved it there; it was beautiful, spacious, and we had great friends there. (Only the last can be said here!) It seems so distant! So out of place with all the other experiences of my life.

The strange thing is as I listen to Canopy Glow, I'm instantly transported back. It's black outside, the spacious white living room unfolds in front of me. I'm downtown, alone save for my wife. I'm there. And something in my heart aches to look up from the screen to find it true. I can hardly see images until I push play. It's the starkest contrast I think I have ever felt.

To a much lesser extent I feel this with Mutemath's Armistice, a gift to myself the following fall after seeing their amazing concert. I wasn't living at the old apartment then, but I still feel like I'm travelling back in time a whole year. I wonder where that year has gone.

Does this happen to you? Does any particular music bring back more than just a memory here or there? Are you ever transported?

Part of me wants to find a special album and listen to it constantly this fall just to freeze another year in time for the future. A musical time capsule to myself. Part of me wants to hide these aforementioned albums so I don't contaminate them. I wonder if I have other albums that will transport me if I let them. Maybe they're all willing and I just haven't been listening.

Signs of the End?

2010-08-15T10:17:00.003-05:00

I must be brief: I have five minutes before we run out the door for an extended session at church (11am-5pm). Here goes...

This week I have seen visions of the end of this blog. My hope is that within the coming months I will be able to start a couple of more focused and professional blogs to cover some of my favorite topics here, and more regularly at that. I will continue to keep this my (our?) personal blog for now, but with "Dallas" in the title and our desire to leave as soon as I graduate (in 2 years, Lord willing) even this blog won't last forever.

I'm telling you this partly to help me organize my thoughts and partly to invite feedback... but I guess that's usually the goal of blogging, isn't it? If you're an expert blogger who would love to help a guy like me take the next step into the blogosphere, I would love the help. As-is, research has gotten me off to a good start. The hardest part will be follow-through. I'll have to take things slowly.

For those of you who don't know, my first step into the world of serious web presence in a VERY long time began this week with my Twitter account (@joshvajda). I'm still learning those ropes, too, and would love to connect with more of you out there.

Time to go!

Reflections on Songwriting

2010-08-11T22:40:00.003-05:00

I expect most of you know that I'm a musician. I've been writing songs since before I could even play guitar, my first "real" song written a good 12 years ago. In those early years I wrote because I had to, because it was a method of expressing something deep inside that I had to let out. For a number of years my songs were my journal, recording the tails of personal struggle, love lost, and hope in God.

By my early college years there were plenty of things to write about, and I experienced some of my most fruitful periods in times of great heartache. But then life got better. I pulled out of my depression, I found purpose in serving at church and playing in a band with my best friend. I began dating again, and as my contentment grew, my music faded away. I had to work hard to think of topics, and a vast wasteland of unfinished songs mark these years, many with potential but none with drive.

This past year I've broken out of what might be considered a five-year rut. Part of it is the education I'm receiving at DTS, part of it the perspective that time and experience give you. But most of all I've recovered the sense of joy that comes from telling a good story, of weaving something beautiful not because I have to but because I want to. I've begun studying what real songwriters do--not simply mimicking like a fan but actually appropriating the skills and strategies of the craft to find my own voice. I've found a reason to write again, one that doesn't depend on circumstance.

I for one am excited about where this is leading. Right now I'm going through some of these older songs and rethinking them, and while I still have a lot to learn I'm confident that Josh the songwriter is back and better than ever.